I am the princess and this my castle...

It is July and summer is winding down. People are trickling back into Flag slowly but surely. I enjoy when people are around because I don't feel alone and don't have to think as much. I recently realized that is just it. I am terrified of my own thoughts. Since I have a lot of free time I become completely trapped within myself. When I am around people they keep me and my thoughts occupied.

When I sit and think I realize I have been really selfish lately. I may use my bum ankle as an excuse but in reality I have always been selfish. I want things to be easy and it is easier to only think of myself instead of others. I use myslef as an excuse to ignore what reality actually is. For example, I went home a few weeks ago anxious to see one of my best friends. I called her several times and she never responded. I'll admit I was upset, after all I don't more than twice a year. And I automatically assumed it was because of me. My thought was, "Oh what did I do this time? She is always overreacting." Of course that's incredibly selfish and ignorant of me.

So when I actually allow myself to delve into my thoughts I have realized this. People see me as a great friend and often times see a great person. But these people are under a false assumption. If I was a great friend I wouldn't ignore their problems. And if I was a great person I wouldn't have to worry about myself.

This a character flaw I recognize in myself that I am certainly not proud of. I would like to work on this and change for the better. Because the reason my friend didn't respond to me is because she has recently been in a deep depression and has shut her self from the world. And because I turned a blind eye I never even saw the warning signs. Instead I chose to ignore them and only focus on myself. How inconsiderate and ugly is that? I can be ugly and most people don't know this.

As a personal challenge and goal for myself I am going to let myself to be intune others. And to not turn the blind eye and only focus on ME. Yeah I have been through a lot but that is no excuse to be selfish and ignore that others experience a lot of pain as well. Even if it is different. And with by using my experiences to help others hopefully I will have the capacity to also help myself as well. Besides what is more rewarding the having a positive impact on someone else's life?
* A note to my friends and family whom I care so much about: I am done ignoring your problems and only focusing on my own, because what kind of friend am I? If I don't ever try to help a friend in need. I love you all. More than I love myself. And that's a fact.