Le Sigh..

So I may be a little drunk/exhausted and when I get like this it is quite likely I will get emotional. I find my self more than ever in my life wanting someone to cuddle me, hold me, be there for me, because of my ankle. And of course I look first to my ex. Who I have recently realized I am still in love with and we broke up six months ago. And he's an asshole and selfish but he has a lot of great qualities as well and I just cannot seem to get over him. I know a lot of it has to with him being my first well everything. First boyfriend, love, I lost my virginity to him..so it is easy to see why I became so attached. Which is incredibly unlike me. It of course does not help that we have had sex multiple times when drunk since. I don't expect us to get back together but when together for that stolen moment it is exactly what I wanted and I like to think for him to. But that could very well be nothing more than wishful thinking. Right now I wish he could comfort me but I can't expect that. After all he broke up with me for a reason. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed him. Because I DON'T and that's not me. I really need to move on, let myself like someone new. Sure I have kissed a lot of guys and have had a lot of potentials but why am I holding on so tightly onto something that is nothing more than mere memory. I don't need a guy in my life but it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with when I am upset about my ankle or can't myself any food. Le sigh, am I one hopeless girl or what? I'll figure it out, I always do.

Waiting for the storm to pass

A few weeks ago my world was hit by a hurricane and I was crushed. Well my ankle was anyways. It was completely shattered to put it mildly. Which is fine but kinda sucks balls. That was three weeks ago. I was at the climbing gym and fell bouldering, missed the pad, and that was that. Bye bye ankle. I heard a snap and crack, glanced down noticed my ankle was dislocated. I was by myself so I had an employee drive to the hospital which was just down the road. I was fine all the way until the hospital which is when I began to feel the pain. Before I am certain my body went into shock. Thank goodness. Anyways the doctors and nurses swarmed me and began moving my foot which is when I of course began screaming. Ex-rays were taken; bad news given; surgery; blah, blah, the usual. Well I woke up the next morning shocked to find a large metal thing sticking out of my leg. The metal thing is called an external fixater. I may have looked like a bad ass too bad I did not feel like one. I shattered my tibia, fiblia, and my ankle was in twenty pieces. AWESOME....not. So for the next two weeks I miserably hobbled around until my next surgery, when the external fix. was finally taken out and replaced with an internal fix. and bone grafts. So as you can tell life has been better. But despite everything that has happened I feel like I am doing quite well. I try to keep my spirits up and have my ups and downs. And sometimes I get angry at myself because I feel like I shouldn't be upset. After all I lost my mom a few years ago. Alas, I am still allowed to be upset. I am a active, careful, energetic individual and now I am cannot put weight on my left foot for three months and will have months of p.t. until I get my strength. Sometimes I am so confident and other times I get real down. I wish I would just be able to go outside and enjoy the weather if nothing else. Unfortunately, I am stuck inside. Soon I will be more mobile but soon seems like forever. At least I wonderful friends and family. Too bad I am sooooooooo independent. I guess I have a lot of things to work on this summer AND I will. Everything is gonna be alright. I just need to keep smiling and do things that keep me entertained. It's going to be rough and tough but if anyone can get through the rough and the tough that anyone is ME! Yah. So that was a lot of colliding thoughts. I am sure more will come soon.