If I could change some things...

I wouldn't change my life. Things happen as they do, and honestly there is no turning back time. So I simply see no point in dwelling in the past, when the present is so much more important. BUT if there is one thing from my past that is a constant reminder of how my life will be changed forever because of it, that would be my ankle. I shattered it more than two years ago and essentially it was replaced with titanium.

I am beyond grateful that it works and functions properly. That within itself is a remarkable accomplishment. However, I cannot control how my ankle acts to various amounts of activity or changes in weather. Sometimes, I can be on my ankle all day and it will be just fine. While on other days I find myself sore and frustrated. Then there are days like today. The only days that it really adversely affects me. It was fairly brisk and cool. And it hurts just to put pressure on it. I have learned to suck it up and just push through the discomfort. But, it hurts just while I am doing nothing and the fact I have no control over the pain is what really nags at me. The fact, there are not many people who can relate or understand really frustrates me. This is something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. And I have no choice in the matter. I constantly have to adjust accordingly to my ankle. And sometimes it just down right sucks. But I just have to keep my chin and do what I can, and bit my tongue and smile. Because nothing is going to take the titanium out of my ankle.

Oooh,the life of a wolverine lady.

sigh...

Will I ever stop feeling this way? How is it I feel anyways? Is this just a fantasy I am creating in my idealistic mind? Or are these feelings real? Honest? Truthful? Genuine? I want to tell you, what I have for you is unlike anything I ever had for anyone. For 3 years now. And they still haven't gone away. Sure, I'll date other guys but no one has been there for me like you. I can't think of anyone whose company I enjoy more than yours. I miss you more than you'll ever know. Your blue eyes will always make me swoon, and make me feel weak in the knees. You're one of my absolute best friends. You have a girl friend, so I think this is silly. I feel like I should tell you, but it's scary. I don't know if you feel this way and I don't want anything ever to compromise our friendship. Because, that means the world and beyond to me. Maybe one day I'll suck it up and tell you. But only if it's real and it's right.

I don't want to miss out on what could have been. I guess there is only one way to know and that is to tell you. I don't know if I can. I hate this, you're a state away. And I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you. I know you miss me, a lot. You're picking me up from the airport in 3 weeks and I am beyond thrilled. I haven't looked forward to seeing someone this much, in who knows how long. And with our matching limps, I think we're each others right legs. Also, we're walking down the aisle together. I guess in the end, my love for you is so great that patiently I will wait. If nothing ever happens, I just hope another love will come along. Michael Gavillot you light up life and you're not even here.

I can't wait to see you.

chaos without reason nor rhyme...

I am crossing this rikkity old bridge that is significantly wavering above the rushing rapids below me. I am trying to cross quickly on my tip toes, so I don't fall over the edge. This is how I live my life, always on guard, ready to fall in head first. I live in a state of unfiltered anxiety and chaos. What is ironic though, is that this bridge is completely steady, the water a calming rush, and my walk a jaunt of pleasure. I choose to create chaos from nothing, I create problems when there are none. If my mind is at ease and relaxed, I begin to think I am 'too happy' and thus create a problem; which in turns actually creates problems. A catch-22. This is a vicious vicious cycle which leads to mental turmoil and instability. Without reason nor rhyme. Instead of fearing the water that lies below me, I need to turn the rush of the rapids into something nostalgic; a reminder of how calming and beautiful that sound is. If I can manage to relax my mind and spirit, I am sure I can achieve stability and happiness.

2010 Welcome

Another year has come and past. And today is the beginning of a New Year, and a new decade. 2009 was quite a year. The word that comes to mind when reflecting on 2009 is surprising. Pleasantly so, of course. 2009 was one of the best years I have had yet.

I graduated college. I left Flagstaff. I fell in love. I healed. I ran. I moved to Colorado. It was a year well spent and I've gotta wonderful feeling about this 2010 business. Some people who left a significant mark on my heart in 2009. Tyler Cleaver, for letting me fall in love with you. Twice. And for making me want to become a better person, and for putting a ridiculous grin on my face each and every day. I love you. Emily Rose, because you are beautiful. And I want you to know that. One day you will. Kristine Sednek for taking me under her wing when I moved to a new town and having insane amounts of fun with. Deepa Balaraman for hanging out with me every weekend in FoCo. It's been awesome. Rosi Fry, for being the closest to a sister I'll ever have. Mallory Kendall for our friendship that never stops growing. Michael Gavillot, for simply being there for me no matter what and for making laugh all the time. David Chan for watching out for me and letting our friendship build.

There are some things I would like to work on and improve within myself for 2010. Honesty. I would like to be completely honest with everyone I know including myself. I would like to tell people what I think without fearing the consequences. I would like to be more motivated towards life.

I would like to continue loving myself and every minute of everyday. I want to laugh, grow, see, explore, love, feel free and happy. And to never forget to smile.

sigh..of relief

Here I sit. Happy to be. That is all, to simply be. Here. Now. It's great, I've never really been able to just enjoy the moment like I have been the past week. I will admit I have my moments of crazy per usual. But mostly I just enjoyed being. Being completely in the present. And the funny thing is, when I am completely immersed in the moment I have no reason but to smile. I have a wonderful family, wonderful loving friends, and a boyfriend who makes me smile everyday. I like to find ways to infiltrate my mind and thoughts which prevent myself from feeling happy. I am really good at that, in fact. I am going to continue to do my best to be and see what happens. Each and every day I am going to make a point of bringing all my thoughts and actions back to the moment. Everything I do I want to do with my complete focus. I don't think one can be completely focused if their thoughts are consumed with something else. I have never, for as long as I can remember been able to do so. I let my mind become polluted with irrational and illogical thoughts which I cannot escape. I become trapped within my own mind. And for the first time, I can honestly saying I am finally breaking free. It's just a matter of practice. But I am getting better each day, and each I am living more.

Beauty from within..

I just watched Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent singing and by the end I was overcome with emotion and in tears. All from watching a poor quality you tube video. Susan Boyle is a middle age woman, who looks nothing more than a mere plain Jane. A little overweight, squinty eyes, bushy eye brows, ragged clothes. More often than not the culture we live in, gives us the idea that if you are successful or talented you are also aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Everyone on that show immediately judged her. People will automatically judge you based solely on your appearance. How does appearance in any way, shape, or form define our intelligence or talent we possess. It doesn't and Susan Boyle broke the stereotype. Once she opened her mouth a flawless and incredibly astounding voice came out. And everyone's jaws dropped to the floor, and what she looked like didn't matter in the slightest. It just goes to show that what lies within us, are the true spirit of who we are. In a perfect world, no one would be judge based upon appearance but rather their appearance would be based upon what's inside. A human spirit rather than human materialism. This can happen with anyone, even someone beautiful. Someone beautiful may be judged out to be stupid or dumb. A tall black person, is automatically athletic.

There are stereotypes for every single person. If you're human, you a fall into some stereotype. You are judged. I try my darndest not to judge. However, to be completely honest, I am guilty as much as the next person. The next time I am sitting next to a stranger, whether I am on a plane, bus, or anywhere else. I am going to talk to them and maybe found out something surprising about them, rather then immediately judging. This will be a challenging task, I am sure, but I hope to see past whats on the outside and discover a little of the inside. People are surprising. We just have to let them be.

strangely familiar...

I have been here before. The savory taste of your lips, that smell, those arms wrapped tightly around me. Those pale blue eyes uncovering my soul. And most of all that million dollar smile that never fails to swoon me. It cannot be, or can it? Do we find ourselves relighting this burnt out flame? Will this flame burner hotter than before or die quicker? I can only hope it burns fiercely hot, a fire that cannot be stopped. Yet, as I feel quite excited, I find myself reluctant to be vulnerable once again. After all, you broke my heart and I have been determined to move on. But now you claim you want me again. Do you deserve me, is the question I ask. I do believe I owe it to myself to try again. For what we shared was special, and I have always trusted you. So should I trust you again? Give you another shot? Well, since we began hanging out again I have a grin that I simply cannot wipe from my face and my cheeks hurt. I want you again more than before, yet all at once I am terrified. Please, don't hurt me again, and hopefully I won't hurt you.