Beauty from within..

I just watched Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent singing and by the end I was overcome with emotion and in tears. All from watching a poor quality you tube video. Susan Boyle is a middle age woman, who looks nothing more than a mere plain Jane. A little overweight, squinty eyes, bushy eye brows, ragged clothes. More often than not the culture we live in, gives us the idea that if you are successful or talented you are also aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Everyone on that show immediately judged her. People will automatically judge you based solely on your appearance. How does appearance in any way, shape, or form define our intelligence or talent we possess. It doesn't and Susan Boyle broke the stereotype. Once she opened her mouth a flawless and incredibly astounding voice came out. And everyone's jaws dropped to the floor, and what she looked like didn't matter in the slightest. It just goes to show that what lies within us, are the true spirit of who we are. In a perfect world, no one would be judge based upon appearance but rather their appearance would be based upon what's inside. A human spirit rather than human materialism. This can happen with anyone, even someone beautiful. Someone beautiful may be judged out to be stupid or dumb. A tall black person, is automatically athletic.

There are stereotypes for every single person. If you're human, you a fall into some stereotype. You are judged. I try my darndest not to judge. However, to be completely honest, I am guilty as much as the next person. The next time I am sitting next to a stranger, whether I am on a plane, bus, or anywhere else. I am going to talk to them and maybe found out something surprising about them, rather then immediately judging. This will be a challenging task, I am sure, but I hope to see past whats on the outside and discover a little of the inside. People are surprising. We just have to let them be.

strangely familiar...

I have been here before. The savory taste of your lips, that smell, those arms wrapped tightly around me. Those pale blue eyes uncovering my soul. And most of all that million dollar smile that never fails to swoon me. It cannot be, or can it? Do we find ourselves relighting this burnt out flame? Will this flame burner hotter than before or die quicker? I can only hope it burns fiercely hot, a fire that cannot be stopped. Yet, as I feel quite excited, I find myself reluctant to be vulnerable once again. After all, you broke my heart and I have been determined to move on. But now you claim you want me again. Do you deserve me, is the question I ask. I do believe I owe it to myself to try again. For what we shared was special, and I have always trusted you. So should I trust you again? Give you another shot? Well, since we began hanging out again I have a grin that I simply cannot wipe from my face and my cheeks hurt. I want you again more than before, yet all at once I am terrified. Please, don't hurt me again, and hopefully I won't hurt you.

learning to be lonely...

I am lonely. I have never felt like this before. This emptiness inside me that craves human contact. Heck, some good conversation would suit me just as well. It's not that I don't have any friends here, I do. I cannot pinpoint the core of this loneliness I feel. I suppose it has to do with a combination of things. I am an intern and alone most days. And most nights I am also alone. There are some nights when I have people to hang out with and things to do but the other nights.... Those empty lonely dark starless nights, those are the nights that get to me. I come home from a day of being alone to an empty house usually. No one to talk to, or to greet me. I had a boyfriend for a while and the loneliness hid well between the sheets. But we are no longer together and haven't been for a while now. Now the loneliness is vivid and real. Ankle shatteringly real. It hurts and I cry often. I do not want to. Cry. That is. Connections have always come easily to me. But not this time. It's an experience I am growing from. I am spending a lot of time with my thoughts and myself. And I am okay with that. I do things I like to do still, just on my own. I am putting myself out there and meeting people. It just takes time to build relationships. And I am not about to run away. No, I am not that much of a coward. My time will come, and it will come soon I can feel it. And the dark starless skies will suddenly light with brilliant spectacular light.

Smile are all that is left..

What can I do right now? I suppose I have the option to do whatever I please. I really don't have to do anything. Except smile. Because that is all that there is left to do. Smile. Smile. Smile. Grinning from ear to ear. I am smiling.

I can be your friend...

To a certain someone:

I am not even sure why I am writing this. I think it is because I am much better at conveying my emotions and thoughts through writing rather than I am verbalizing them. So here it goes, do not fear this isn't a hate letter or an a feeble attempt to win you back. It's true during the few months we dated I fell for you and definitely did not anticipate it or necessarily even want it. But it happened and I knew from the get go that my feelings were much stronger for you then yours were for me. After all you just got out of a two year relationship and I hadn't been in a relationship in a over a year. Then you came along and I got brave and went for it. Not something I do often mind you. And I am not writing this to win you back, that just seems like a waste of time and energy. I just want you to know that I loved every minute we have spent together as friends, and every minute we spent as more. And I look forward to sharing more moments together as friends. I will cherish your friendship, and even though at times I may have the urge to grab your hand or give you a kiss, I wont. I'll just give you a hug instead and be your friend instead. (Please give me hugs at least, weak pats on the back or side hugs don't cut it) I just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and that any girl that catches you and keeps you is one lucky gal. So good luck to you Tyler and thanks for everything.

Always,

Megan

25 things..

1. Anxiety will not take a hold on my life any longer. I simply wont let it. Rather I am going to blow the fire out with a overwhelming sense of ferociousness.

2. The colors and smell of autumn never fail to put a smile on my face and tenderness in my heart.

3. Rosi Fry is and always will be my heterosexual life partner. And that's a fact.

4. Sometimes I be incredibly confident while other times I feel like the most insecure and insignificant person in the world.

5. I am figuring it all out right now. I am learning how to take control once more of my life and I am learning how to love with every thing I have.

6. When I get upset sometimes the only I wanna do is lie on the floor, lights out, eyes closed, and music carrying away my worries.

7. I am completely afraid of 'happiness' and feel as though when ever I do attain some level of happiness, the universe turns its back on me. I know this isn't true, and I am working on being okay with being happy.

8. Apparently I am not actually allergic to bees, I just have a bee phobia that inherently induces severe panic attacks. awesome.

9. I have learned all I need to know about how to live my life, from how my mother lived hers.

10. I love my bicycle and honestly need to ride him more often. Dirty.

11. I am dirty hot mess of a girl sometimes, but it shows I human and that's beautiful.

12. I have recently discovered a passion for writing. I absolutely love it. I may not be very eloquent or creative but I see writing as a perfect emotional outlet for me. Somewhere where I can organize all my thoughts and relieve them as well.

13. I am itching to travel again, it's been too long. But first I need to be good with me before I can do pursue anything drastic. When the time is right, I will adventure once or maybe even twice more.

14. My liquified ankle was the best learning and growing experience I had yet.

15. Taos New Mexico is the only place I'll ever call home.

16. I find beauty in the simplest forms. For example, the other I was opening for work at the State Park. It was a quiet brisk morning and to the east the earth was just awakening from the sun shining down upon it, while to the west the land was resisting the temptation of the sun for just a moment longer before greeting the day. It was refreshing to know I too like the earth wake up with the sun but still enjoy the calm rest of the night.

17. Doors are opening all around me and the universe is currently working in my favor *knock on wood* I am going to carefully and intentionally enter each one of these doors.

18. I work with a woman in her late 60s named Linda and I want to be like her one day. She is one of the most lively and inspiring people I know.

19. I am obsessed with a 175 gram plastic disc.

20. Sometimes I have the intense urge to smoke marijuana.

21. I am seriously considering buying a banjo and learning how to play. Afterall, I played the violin for ten years, and am in love with bluegrass.

22. Sometimes I still think I will end entertaining people for a living, a childhood dream of mine.

23. I value my sleep just about more than anything.

24. Each person in my life I try to learn from. I figure they are all they for a reason, because of a quality I admire in them. If I possessed all the wonderful qualities my friends and family have I would be the best person in the world.

25. I can communicate with birds. Silly, I know this is what you are thinking. But it's true I can return their calls with my impressive bird whistling talents. You can call me the bird whistler.

learning...everyday

I am learning a lot about myself. Everyday I think you can learn about you and strive for improvement. Right now I am currently dating a boy whom I am falling for. And I am learning that when I am in a relationship I tend to be a lot more insecure with myself. Always worrying about nonsense . For example, he is in school and really busy so we don't hang out as much as I would like. But even though he tells me, texts me, calls, when he doesnt see me go into freak out mode instantly. All of sudden these ridiculous thoughts swarm my mind a like an attack of killer bees. (Okay may more like a swarm of bumble bees fighting over pollen). Anyways, my mind is jumping from one irrational thought to another. "Is he going to break up with me?" "Does he like me still?" "Do I like him more than he likes me?" "Maybe I am not mature enough for a relationship." Etc..etc.... You get the idea. Well when it comes down to it I bring myself back to reality and logic, and realize he does still like me. And even if he didn't? The world isn't going to end. Not even close. I find myself becoming to dependent on someone else. I am letting my emotion rule me. Not logic. This could be the result of infatuation or the beginnings of a new love. Irregardless, I am not always secure with myself in a relationship. But I realize that and am working on it. My goal is to be as confident in a relationship as I am with myself any other time. He like's me for after all, and if hee don't, he aint worth the trouble.