2010 Welcome

Another year has come and past. And today is the beginning of a New Year, and a new decade. 2009 was quite a year. The word that comes to mind when reflecting on 2009 is surprising. Pleasantly so, of course. 2009 was one of the best years I have had yet.

I graduated college. I left Flagstaff. I fell in love. I healed. I ran. I moved to Colorado. It was a year well spent and I've gotta wonderful feeling about this 2010 business. Some people who left a significant mark on my heart in 2009. Tyler Cleaver, for letting me fall in love with you. Twice. And for making me want to become a better person, and for putting a ridiculous grin on my face each and every day. I love you. Emily Rose, because you are beautiful. And I want you to know that. One day you will. Kristine Sednek for taking me under her wing when I moved to a new town and having insane amounts of fun with. Deepa Balaraman for hanging out with me every weekend in FoCo. It's been awesome. Rosi Fry, for being the closest to a sister I'll ever have. Mallory Kendall for our friendship that never stops growing. Michael Gavillot, for simply being there for me no matter what and for making laugh all the time. David Chan for watching out for me and letting our friendship build.

There are some things I would like to work on and improve within myself for 2010. Honesty. I would like to be completely honest with everyone I know including myself. I would like to tell people what I think without fearing the consequences. I would like to be more motivated towards life.

I would like to continue loving myself and every minute of everyday. I want to laugh, grow, see, explore, love, feel free and happy. And to never forget to smile.

sigh..of relief

Here I sit. Happy to be. That is all, to simply be. Here. Now. It's great, I've never really been able to just enjoy the moment like I have been the past week. I will admit I have my moments of crazy per usual. But mostly I just enjoyed being. Being completely in the present. And the funny thing is, when I am completely immersed in the moment I have no reason but to smile. I have a wonderful family, wonderful loving friends, and a boyfriend who makes me smile everyday. I like to find ways to infiltrate my mind and thoughts which prevent myself from feeling happy. I am really good at that, in fact. I am going to continue to do my best to be and see what happens. Each and every day I am going to make a point of bringing all my thoughts and actions back to the moment. Everything I do I want to do with my complete focus. I don't think one can be completely focused if their thoughts are consumed with something else. I have never, for as long as I can remember been able to do so. I let my mind become polluted with irrational and illogical thoughts which I cannot escape. I become trapped within my own mind. And for the first time, I can honestly saying I am finally breaking free. It's just a matter of practice. But I am getting better each day, and each I am living more.

Beauty from within..

I just watched Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent singing and by the end I was overcome with emotion and in tears. All from watching a poor quality you tube video. Susan Boyle is a middle age woman, who looks nothing more than a mere plain Jane. A little overweight, squinty eyes, bushy eye brows, ragged clothes. More often than not the culture we live in, gives us the idea that if you are successful or talented you are also aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Everyone on that show immediately judged her. People will automatically judge you based solely on your appearance. How does appearance in any way, shape, or form define our intelligence or talent we possess. It doesn't and Susan Boyle broke the stereotype. Once she opened her mouth a flawless and incredibly astounding voice came out. And everyone's jaws dropped to the floor, and what she looked like didn't matter in the slightest. It just goes to show that what lies within us, are the true spirit of who we are. In a perfect world, no one would be judge based upon appearance but rather their appearance would be based upon what's inside. A human spirit rather than human materialism. This can happen with anyone, even someone beautiful. Someone beautiful may be judged out to be stupid or dumb. A tall black person, is automatically athletic.

There are stereotypes for every single person. If you're human, you a fall into some stereotype. You are judged. I try my darndest not to judge. However, to be completely honest, I am guilty as much as the next person. The next time I am sitting next to a stranger, whether I am on a plane, bus, or anywhere else. I am going to talk to them and maybe found out something surprising about them, rather then immediately judging. This will be a challenging task, I am sure, but I hope to see past whats on the outside and discover a little of the inside. People are surprising. We just have to let them be.

strangely familiar...

I have been here before. The savory taste of your lips, that smell, those arms wrapped tightly around me. Those pale blue eyes uncovering my soul. And most of all that million dollar smile that never fails to swoon me. It cannot be, or can it? Do we find ourselves relighting this burnt out flame? Will this flame burner hotter than before or die quicker? I can only hope it burns fiercely hot, a fire that cannot be stopped. Yet, as I feel quite excited, I find myself reluctant to be vulnerable once again. After all, you broke my heart and I have been determined to move on. But now you claim you want me again. Do you deserve me, is the question I ask. I do believe I owe it to myself to try again. For what we shared was special, and I have always trusted you. So should I trust you again? Give you another shot? Well, since we began hanging out again I have a grin that I simply cannot wipe from my face and my cheeks hurt. I want you again more than before, yet all at once I am terrified. Please, don't hurt me again, and hopefully I won't hurt you.

learning to be lonely...

I am lonely. I have never felt like this before. This emptiness inside me that craves human contact. Heck, some good conversation would suit me just as well. It's not that I don't have any friends here, I do. I cannot pinpoint the core of this loneliness I feel. I suppose it has to do with a combination of things. I am an intern and alone most days. And most nights I am also alone. There are some nights when I have people to hang out with and things to do but the other nights.... Those empty lonely dark starless nights, those are the nights that get to me. I come home from a day of being alone to an empty house usually. No one to talk to, or to greet me. I had a boyfriend for a while and the loneliness hid well between the sheets. But we are no longer together and haven't been for a while now. Now the loneliness is vivid and real. Ankle shatteringly real. It hurts and I cry often. I do not want to. Cry. That is. Connections have always come easily to me. But not this time. It's an experience I am growing from. I am spending a lot of time with my thoughts and myself. And I am okay with that. I do things I like to do still, just on my own. I am putting myself out there and meeting people. It just takes time to build relationships. And I am not about to run away. No, I am not that much of a coward. My time will come, and it will come soon I can feel it. And the dark starless skies will suddenly light with brilliant spectacular light.

Smile are all that is left..

What can I do right now? I suppose I have the option to do whatever I please. I really don't have to do anything. Except smile. Because that is all that there is left to do. Smile. Smile. Smile. Grinning from ear to ear. I am smiling.

I can be your friend...

To a certain someone:

I am not even sure why I am writing this. I think it is because I am much better at conveying my emotions and thoughts through writing rather than I am verbalizing them. So here it goes, do not fear this isn't a hate letter or an a feeble attempt to win you back. It's true during the few months we dated I fell for you and definitely did not anticipate it or necessarily even want it. But it happened and I knew from the get go that my feelings were much stronger for you then yours were for me. After all you just got out of a two year relationship and I hadn't been in a relationship in a over a year. Then you came along and I got brave and went for it. Not something I do often mind you. And I am not writing this to win you back, that just seems like a waste of time and energy. I just want you to know that I loved every minute we have spent together as friends, and every minute we spent as more. And I look forward to sharing more moments together as friends. I will cherish your friendship, and even though at times I may have the urge to grab your hand or give you a kiss, I wont. I'll just give you a hug instead and be your friend instead. (Please give me hugs at least, weak pats on the back or side hugs don't cut it) I just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and that any girl that catches you and keeps you is one lucky gal. So good luck to you Tyler and thanks for everything.

Always,

Megan