Same old thing.....

I know from speaking to a professional that when one is unhappy or anxious as a 'protection method' they will revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I myself am a victim of this. These past 6 months have been really great. The first two months it had seemed that I found myself. Unfortunately, it did not last and here I am being pulled back to same 'problems' and same obsessing negative thought processes. They are a lot better then have been in the past but here they are prevalent once again. They are completely irrational and illogical. Yet it seems I cannot simply acknowledge a thought and move on.

I have the tendency to dwell, dwell, dwell. It seems I start digging, digging, digging this giant hole that one day I won't be able to crawl out of. I don't need to dig. Not on this land. It is perfectly good land that can be put to good use as it is. Less digging and more watering. If anything this land can just grow. The capacity for this land to grow is endless. My mind is endless. And if I allow myself to take in new experiences as they come in the moment and then move on my mind will thrive. It won't stop growing.

I can do this. I have done it before and was the happiest I have been in gee who knows? I am going to start doing things in the moment. Accomplishing things bit by bit, piece by piece, moment by moment.

Mustering up some courage...maybe?

Alright. So here's the deal. My name is Megan. And I am a cute fun girl with a lot more to offer than just that. But the only way I can get anyone else to see that is if I see it for myself, first. Tonight I ran into this attractive gentleman who I see often because we have mutual friends. I have always found him attractive yet have never been able to muster up the courage to even speak to him until this evening when I did only after being egged on by my friend. It is so ridiculous. I am almost twenty two and when I see someone attractive I act like a twelve year old girl. I suppose it is not a bad thing but how will anyone see what have I to offer if I always act like that? That's just it, they won't. I am ready for a change. Megan Kathleen Weber is a smart, cute, fun, lovable, caring, and amazing girl. And it is about time I share that.

Si se puedes!

Today, I witnessed history. Along with the rest of the country. No, make that the rest of the world. Today a black man was elected President of the United States: Barack Obama. An American hero, an icon for the times. It is time for a change and I think our country may have finally realize that. And the simple fact that a black man was elected is a good indicator that we are as nation ready to face the adversities challenging us right now and change for the better. The better of the American people and the better of the world. All over the world countries were watching with their teeth clenched hoping that Obama would be our next President of the United States. And he is. We did it. We recognized the need for change and did it.

The charismatic Barack Obama put it simply "This is your victory." This is yours, mines, his, and anyone else's. Barack Obama will change the course of our history and already is. So I congratulate the American people. This is our country and finally after a long eight hours in a downward spiral: America will make us proud. I can proudly say that I am from the United States.

stuck in panic

I don't know many things. But I do know some. This is what I know. My name is Megan. I am a beautiful, independent, spontaneous, fun, life, loving girl. I also know that I suffer from anxiety. And I have for the past two years. It began two years ago where I experienced an intense panic attack as the result of a pot brownie. Yeah you heard right a M-A-R-I-J-U-A-N-A brownie (needless to say I have not had one since). It's just funny that a pot brownie was the beginning of this snowballing anxiety I Have experienced since. It would have happened either way but I just have better story now. Two years when my anxiety was really severe I say a therapist who helped tremendously and I thought I was free of my anxious thoughts until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I had another panic attack and my anxiety has be incredibly prevalent ever since. I am just so darn frustrated. I have been doing so well and here we go again. The racing heart, the anxious thoughts, the shortness of breath, and the IBS. Man. Oh man. It's funny because I am the happiest I have been in YEARS. But it just goes to show that if problems are left ignored they don't simply just disappear forever. They tend to linger the longer you let them. And that's what is going now...I think. At least I recognize this and if I motivate myself enough I can get some professional help for long term not just a few weeks. That's what I need because as I am discovering I cannot do this alone. As my much my pride gets in the way I simply cannot let it any longer. I can beat this anxiety with help! It may take time but I am confident.

WOOT!

As good as it gets...

This is life as we know it. As good as it gets. Even at the worse times ,at that moment of tragedy that is good as it is going to be at that particular moment. And when things are great that is as good as at it gets as well. Life is what you make of it. IN reality nothing is picture perfect and anything can go wrong at any moment. I am speaking from experience. IN my young life of 21 years I would say I have experienced more pleasure as a result of more pain than most people my age have. Now of course I could be wrong.

When I entered my senior year of high school my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. And in my naivety, at the time I just assumed that “cancer” was not a big deal and that mom would get through it no prob. Unfortunately, I could have not been more wrong. After a few tests and surgeries it was clear that shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1460233456254595187urvival was not the only outcome. When I found this out I was well shocked. Shocked into the reality of life. And in this moment of realization and shock I came to know was real and was not. The emotions I was experiencing were real, my mom’s failing health was real, and this was the most reality I had ever known. This was as good as it was going to get and yet the worst. So in the last months of my mother's life I made sure our relationship was the best it had been yet. Every night before I went to bed I would go into my mom’s room and just talk with her about life, school, boys, you name it. She soon became the best friend I have ever had. And when she finally left the world I was at peace, at least with what our relationship had become. I was able to love my mother fully and make certain that our last few months together were as good as it gets.

And I have tried to carry on that attitude since my mom left. There is no denying that the loss has left entirely too large of a whole in my heart. But I have discovered that this hole can be filled. Filled with the love, the memory, and the life of Karen Ellen Wichelns. And because of this love, memory, and life I have been able to live my life to the fullest. At least I have tried to.

Since then I have completed 3 out of 4 years of college, studied in New Zealand, made poor decisions, made good decisions, and made the best friends I have ever had (besides her). I have made sure to experience all that I can; to grow, learn, and thrive as a human being. As Megan Kathleen Weber. And of course in these past three years I have had many ups and downs.

Most recently I have faced the challenge of living and coping with a shattered ankle for the past four months. And it has been difficult with two surgeries, relearning to walk and gaining my strength back. But again it has been another incredible experience to enhance myself. Again, this is as good as it gets at least right now. So I have made the best of it and instead of being a lazy, bummed out bum I have made sure to keep on keeping out despite the injury.

These experiences have brought me down to earth and humbled me. Life is a fragile, delicate, precious, and wondrous gift that many of us take for granted. I myself used to. And with these adversities the best thing I can do is help others. And I Will. I have experienced the great pleasure knowing the greatest of pains. And that is the pain of love. Love for my mother, love for myself, and love for this life.

I am the princess and this my castle...

It is July and summer is winding down. People are trickling back into Flag slowly but surely. I enjoy when people are around because I don't feel alone and don't have to think as much. I recently realized that is just it. I am terrified of my own thoughts. Since I have a lot of free time I become completely trapped within myself. When I am around people they keep me and my thoughts occupied.

When I sit and think I realize I have been really selfish lately. I may use my bum ankle as an excuse but in reality I have always been selfish. I want things to be easy and it is easier to only think of myself instead of others. I use myslef as an excuse to ignore what reality actually is. For example, I went home a few weeks ago anxious to see one of my best friends. I called her several times and she never responded. I'll admit I was upset, after all I don't more than twice a year. And I automatically assumed it was because of me. My thought was, "Oh what did I do this time? She is always overreacting." Of course that's incredibly selfish and ignorant of me.

So when I actually allow myself to delve into my thoughts I have realized this. People see me as a great friend and often times see a great person. But these people are under a false assumption. If I was a great friend I wouldn't ignore their problems. And if I was a great person I wouldn't have to worry about myself.

This a character flaw I recognize in myself that I am certainly not proud of. I would like to work on this and change for the better. Because the reason my friend didn't respond to me is because she has recently been in a deep depression and has shut her self from the world. And because I turned a blind eye I never even saw the warning signs. Instead I chose to ignore them and only focus on myself. How inconsiderate and ugly is that? I can be ugly and most people don't know this.

As a personal challenge and goal for myself I am going to let myself to be intune others. And to not turn the blind eye and only focus on ME. Yeah I have been through a lot but that is no excuse to be selfish and ignore that others experience a lot of pain as well. Even if it is different. And with by using my experiences to help others hopefully I will have the capacity to also help myself as well. Besides what is more rewarding the having a positive impact on someone else's life?
* A note to my friends and family whom I care so much about: I am done ignoring your problems and only focusing on my own, because what kind of friend am I? If I don't ever try to help a friend in need. I love you all. More than I love myself. And that's a fact.

Pizza & Coke

Pizza and Coke. It's a lifestyle. You come home from work after a long Friday afternoon and you order a pizza, coke, veg out on the couch, and turn on the tube. This is a lifestyle for many Americans and it shows. This why we have the problem of obesity in the United States. We order pizza, drink coke, and turn on tele because it is convenient. Everything we do is convenient. Why cook, when you can get take out or order in. Why do anything but watch the tube? Why recycle? That takes too much work. After all, it is so accessible and easy. So people fall in to these traps. These traps of inactivity and laziness.

I however am lucky enough to live in a health, fitness, and environmentally conscious town. I live in Flagstaff, Arizona a hip college town nestled beneath the San Fransisco Peaks of Northern Arizona. Most people here are rugged, laid back, and quirky. Before I moved here I did not know a town could be so conscious of health and fitness. Most people bike rather than drive. People would rather read a book than watch t.v. People would rather cook than go out.

I grew in Pueblo, Colorado and it is incredibly strange to visit there now. The general lifestyle of people there is lazy and stagnant. The city doesn't change and its holds traditions close. Many of my close friends from high school still live there and with their parents. On a typical day they will come home from school and plop on the couch and turn on the tube. Stereotypical modern America. And I used to know this lifestyle but now it completely baffles me. Why would one veg out on the couch when they could be outside enjoying the day? Why would one spend extra money on going out, when they could cook something healthier in the comfort of their homes? I ask myself these questions and do not really have to answer.

I could blame it on the media, movie stars, and could come up with up plenty of excuses. But in reality, Americans generally take all our freedom and opportunities for granted. After all, why work hard if there's an easier way out. If many Americans would just open their eyes and look around, they realize how much there is to see in this beautiful country. And maybe we would want to cherish it, get off our buts, go pick some fresh food, find a good book, and travel. Then maybe we would be less lazy, more active, proactive, and lead a healthy lifestyle. I don't know if I am right or wrong, but somewhere out there people agree.