Let it shine out

I am feeling good today, no make that great. I am full of energy and feel warm inside. Why, do you ask? Well, I wish I could give you an exact answer. But I am afraid I cannot. I am home in Denver now and just am enjoying this time to myself and with my family. Both of which happen only a few times a year. Typically, I am surrounded by the constant chatter and chaos of others. Which I am stimulated by and thrive off. But every now and again I need solely Megan time. Time to relax, breath, think, and do what I want. Time for me made by me. Ya today I have a whole agenda of things to do around the town exploring. And in a few weeks my family is going to the mountain to go skiing and I cannot downhill ski with anyone because of my ankle. But I am not complaining, I am instead to try my luck at xc skiing and snow shoeing. I am excited for the challenge and the peace. I haven't really done anything outside since my injury (except for camping once). I'll tell ya I am getting cabin fever. I think this will be the prefect solution. Skiing by myself in the snowy white wilderness. I get the chills thinking about the peace it can bring. This is a rambling post I can see but so is my mind.
This is glorious. This positive energy boiling up within me cannot be held so tightly because it will burst. So I will let I will radiate this energy with others and hope they feel it as well. It's the least I can do!

A letter: to you

Dear love,

You're eyes are as vast and unknown as the ocean. As blue as the color of sky. You're one of my closest friends and I hold you close to my heart. Perhaps too close. I have loved you for sometime now. But I myself cannot bring myself to admit it, at least not aloud. You have a girl friend, we have a past, and we have an emotional bond that seems to last. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I just confessed. Confessed that I am in love. Completely, hopelessly in love with you. And yet it is the last thing I want to do. I know that your girlfriend recently cheated on you. I wish you would know this so you could end this terrible relationship your in. You don't need to be with me. I just want you to be with someone whose good for you and makes you genuinely happy. Now, of course I want that person to be me. But I know that is not quite how things work. So I don't know what and can't seem to find the right words to say. You know I love, I just don't think you know how much. Maybe one day I'll tell. Not today, not right now. But tomorrow will be here soon and who knows what it will hold. For now: I love you, I love you, I love you. At least on paper I do.

With all my heart,
Me*

Same old thing.....

I know from speaking to a professional that when one is unhappy or anxious as a 'protection method' they will revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I myself am a victim of this. These past 6 months have been really great. The first two months it had seemed that I found myself. Unfortunately, it did not last and here I am being pulled back to same 'problems' and same obsessing negative thought processes. They are a lot better then have been in the past but here they are prevalent once again. They are completely irrational and illogical. Yet it seems I cannot simply acknowledge a thought and move on.

I have the tendency to dwell, dwell, dwell. It seems I start digging, digging, digging this giant hole that one day I won't be able to crawl out of. I don't need to dig. Not on this land. It is perfectly good land that can be put to good use as it is. Less digging and more watering. If anything this land can just grow. The capacity for this land to grow is endless. My mind is endless. And if I allow myself to take in new experiences as they come in the moment and then move on my mind will thrive. It won't stop growing.

I can do this. I have done it before and was the happiest I have been in gee who knows? I am going to start doing things in the moment. Accomplishing things bit by bit, piece by piece, moment by moment.

Mustering up some courage...maybe?

Alright. So here's the deal. My name is Megan. And I am a cute fun girl with a lot more to offer than just that. But the only way I can get anyone else to see that is if I see it for myself, first. Tonight I ran into this attractive gentleman who I see often because we have mutual friends. I have always found him attractive yet have never been able to muster up the courage to even speak to him until this evening when I did only after being egged on by my friend. It is so ridiculous. I am almost twenty two and when I see someone attractive I act like a twelve year old girl. I suppose it is not a bad thing but how will anyone see what have I to offer if I always act like that? That's just it, they won't. I am ready for a change. Megan Kathleen Weber is a smart, cute, fun, lovable, caring, and amazing girl. And it is about time I share that.

Si se puedes!

Today, I witnessed history. Along with the rest of the country. No, make that the rest of the world. Today a black man was elected President of the United States: Barack Obama. An American hero, an icon for the times. It is time for a change and I think our country may have finally realize that. And the simple fact that a black man was elected is a good indicator that we are as nation ready to face the adversities challenging us right now and change for the better. The better of the American people and the better of the world. All over the world countries were watching with their teeth clenched hoping that Obama would be our next President of the United States. And he is. We did it. We recognized the need for change and did it.

The charismatic Barack Obama put it simply "This is your victory." This is yours, mines, his, and anyone else's. Barack Obama will change the course of our history and already is. So I congratulate the American people. This is our country and finally after a long eight hours in a downward spiral: America will make us proud. I can proudly say that I am from the United States.

stuck in panic

I don't know many things. But I do know some. This is what I know. My name is Megan. I am a beautiful, independent, spontaneous, fun, life, loving girl. I also know that I suffer from anxiety. And I have for the past two years. It began two years ago where I experienced an intense panic attack as the result of a pot brownie. Yeah you heard right a M-A-R-I-J-U-A-N-A brownie (needless to say I have not had one since). It's just funny that a pot brownie was the beginning of this snowballing anxiety I Have experienced since. It would have happened either way but I just have better story now. Two years when my anxiety was really severe I say a therapist who helped tremendously and I thought I was free of my anxious thoughts until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I had another panic attack and my anxiety has be incredibly prevalent ever since. I am just so darn frustrated. I have been doing so well and here we go again. The racing heart, the anxious thoughts, the shortness of breath, and the IBS. Man. Oh man. It's funny because I am the happiest I have been in YEARS. But it just goes to show that if problems are left ignored they don't simply just disappear forever. They tend to linger the longer you let them. And that's what is going now...I think. At least I recognize this and if I motivate myself enough I can get some professional help for long term not just a few weeks. That's what I need because as I am discovering I cannot do this alone. As my much my pride gets in the way I simply cannot let it any longer. I can beat this anxiety with help! It may take time but I am confident.

WOOT!

As good as it gets...

This is life as we know it. As good as it gets. Even at the worse times ,at that moment of tragedy that is good as it is going to be at that particular moment. And when things are great that is as good as at it gets as well. Life is what you make of it. IN reality nothing is picture perfect and anything can go wrong at any moment. I am speaking from experience. IN my young life of 21 years I would say I have experienced more pleasure as a result of more pain than most people my age have. Now of course I could be wrong.

When I entered my senior year of high school my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. And in my naivety, at the time I just assumed that “cancer” was not a big deal and that mom would get through it no prob. Unfortunately, I could have not been more wrong. After a few tests and surgeries it was clear that shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1460233456254595187urvival was not the only outcome. When I found this out I was well shocked. Shocked into the reality of life. And in this moment of realization and shock I came to know was real and was not. The emotions I was experiencing were real, my mom’s failing health was real, and this was the most reality I had ever known. This was as good as it was going to get and yet the worst. So in the last months of my mother's life I made sure our relationship was the best it had been yet. Every night before I went to bed I would go into my mom’s room and just talk with her about life, school, boys, you name it. She soon became the best friend I have ever had. And when she finally left the world I was at peace, at least with what our relationship had become. I was able to love my mother fully and make certain that our last few months together were as good as it gets.

And I have tried to carry on that attitude since my mom left. There is no denying that the loss has left entirely too large of a whole in my heart. But I have discovered that this hole can be filled. Filled with the love, the memory, and the life of Karen Ellen Wichelns. And because of this love, memory, and life I have been able to live my life to the fullest. At least I have tried to.

Since then I have completed 3 out of 4 years of college, studied in New Zealand, made poor decisions, made good decisions, and made the best friends I have ever had (besides her). I have made sure to experience all that I can; to grow, learn, and thrive as a human being. As Megan Kathleen Weber. And of course in these past three years I have had many ups and downs.

Most recently I have faced the challenge of living and coping with a shattered ankle for the past four months. And it has been difficult with two surgeries, relearning to walk and gaining my strength back. But again it has been another incredible experience to enhance myself. Again, this is as good as it gets at least right now. So I have made the best of it and instead of being a lazy, bummed out bum I have made sure to keep on keeping out despite the injury.

These experiences have brought me down to earth and humbled me. Life is a fragile, delicate, precious, and wondrous gift that many of us take for granted. I myself used to. And with these adversities the best thing I can do is help others. And I Will. I have experienced the great pleasure knowing the greatest of pains. And that is the pain of love. Love for my mother, love for myself, and love for this life.