I am the princess and this my castle...

It is July and summer is winding down. People are trickling back into Flag slowly but surely. I enjoy when people are around because I don't feel alone and don't have to think as much. I recently realized that is just it. I am terrified of my own thoughts. Since I have a lot of free time I become completely trapped within myself. When I am around people they keep me and my thoughts occupied.

When I sit and think I realize I have been really selfish lately. I may use my bum ankle as an excuse but in reality I have always been selfish. I want things to be easy and it is easier to only think of myself instead of others. I use myslef as an excuse to ignore what reality actually is. For example, I went home a few weeks ago anxious to see one of my best friends. I called her several times and she never responded. I'll admit I was upset, after all I don't more than twice a year. And I automatically assumed it was because of me. My thought was, "Oh what did I do this time? She is always overreacting." Of course that's incredibly selfish and ignorant of me.

So when I actually allow myself to delve into my thoughts I have realized this. People see me as a great friend and often times see a great person. But these people are under a false assumption. If I was a great friend I wouldn't ignore their problems. And if I was a great person I wouldn't have to worry about myself.

This a character flaw I recognize in myself that I am certainly not proud of. I would like to work on this and change for the better. Because the reason my friend didn't respond to me is because she has recently been in a deep depression and has shut her self from the world. And because I turned a blind eye I never even saw the warning signs. Instead I chose to ignore them and only focus on myself. How inconsiderate and ugly is that? I can be ugly and most people don't know this.

As a personal challenge and goal for myself I am going to let myself to be intune others. And to not turn the blind eye and only focus on ME. Yeah I have been through a lot but that is no excuse to be selfish and ignore that others experience a lot of pain as well. Even if it is different. And with by using my experiences to help others hopefully I will have the capacity to also help myself as well. Besides what is more rewarding the having a positive impact on someone else's life?
* A note to my friends and family whom I care so much about: I am done ignoring your problems and only focusing on my own, because what kind of friend am I? If I don't ever try to help a friend in need. I love you all. More than I love myself. And that's a fact.

Pizza & Coke

Pizza and Coke. It's a lifestyle. You come home from work after a long Friday afternoon and you order a pizza, coke, veg out on the couch, and turn on the tube. This is a lifestyle for many Americans and it shows. This why we have the problem of obesity in the United States. We order pizza, drink coke, and turn on tele because it is convenient. Everything we do is convenient. Why cook, when you can get take out or order in. Why do anything but watch the tube? Why recycle? That takes too much work. After all, it is so accessible and easy. So people fall in to these traps. These traps of inactivity and laziness.

I however am lucky enough to live in a health, fitness, and environmentally conscious town. I live in Flagstaff, Arizona a hip college town nestled beneath the San Fransisco Peaks of Northern Arizona. Most people here are rugged, laid back, and quirky. Before I moved here I did not know a town could be so conscious of health and fitness. Most people bike rather than drive. People would rather read a book than watch t.v. People would rather cook than go out.

I grew in Pueblo, Colorado and it is incredibly strange to visit there now. The general lifestyle of people there is lazy and stagnant. The city doesn't change and its holds traditions close. Many of my close friends from high school still live there and with their parents. On a typical day they will come home from school and plop on the couch and turn on the tube. Stereotypical modern America. And I used to know this lifestyle but now it completely baffles me. Why would one veg out on the couch when they could be outside enjoying the day? Why would one spend extra money on going out, when they could cook something healthier in the comfort of their homes? I ask myself these questions and do not really have to answer.

I could blame it on the media, movie stars, and could come up with up plenty of excuses. But in reality, Americans generally take all our freedom and opportunities for granted. After all, why work hard if there's an easier way out. If many Americans would just open their eyes and look around, they realize how much there is to see in this beautiful country. And maybe we would want to cherish it, get off our buts, go pick some fresh food, find a good book, and travel. Then maybe we would be less lazy, more active, proactive, and lead a healthy lifestyle. I don't know if I am right or wrong, but somewhere out there people agree.

Sleep...Who Needs It?

For the past few weeks I have had a difficult time falling asleep. I usually won't fall asleep until two or three in the morning. I am not a huge fan of this because I am girl who likes my sleep. So I write in hopes that I will sleep better and ease my mind a little. So here goes some of the babble that is my mind.
Today was a good day, better than most in fact. However, I am not entirely sure why. Nothing special happened; nothing really happened at all. I spent most of my day in the library doing homework and then class at 6. Following class I watched some night ultimate with some friends. I am just really content and satisfied for some reason. You know, I have a lot of days when I just feel restless, bored, and anxious. But not today, not at all. I want, I need more days like this. Although, I know they won't all be. It's refreshing to know some will.
Other random thoughts on my mind. It has almost been three years since my mother passed away. I can hardly believe it. Wow. Three years and look how far I've come. I like to imagine that she would be proud of me. Even though I have made my mistakes, I have never stopped living as a result of her passing. Mostly, because she specifically told me not to.

Here is a conversation from 3 years ago. I enter the hospital to visit my mom who was sick with cancer. It is a few days before my senior prom, but I have other things on my mind

My aunt Jan is in the room, "Hey Megs, your mom needs to chat with you in private," she calls .

Nervously I step in and reply, "Alright, hey mom." I go over to her and squeeze her hand. In her eyes, I can tell she is upset.

She gives me a smile and squeezes my hand in return, "Well Megs, I have good news and bad news." "Do you want to know both?"

Terrified to know but knowing I have to, I just respond, "Yes,I need to know, just tell me, no bull shit."

"Alright, well the good news is that there is a new chemo out that could save me..."
"And what's the bad, I need to know" I interrupt.

She hesitates and responds, "The bad news is, they've given me 3 to 6 months to live if the chemo fails."

I immediately began screaming and crying, "NO, NO, NO, NO......" She pulls me in close and tells me "Look at me Megan, it is not the end of the world. Look at me. I know this is going to be hard for you but you cannot let this slow you down. You have so much going for you in life. You will be upset but you can and will keep going on with your life. I always be there and you know that. I love you."

I am shaking with shock at this point and reply with, "I will. I will. I will."

And that conversation is why I live the way I do. It plays over and over again like a broken record in my mind. People used to wander I why I never took a break, or slowed down after she passed. I did it because I her told I would. And I am so glad I made the choice to live, instead of the choice not to, and sulk in my sorrows.

Now I use that as my life motto. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And I am tough, thanks to my mother. She was made of iron, when it comes to being tough.

The reason I just went on this random tangent is because people are always telling how they admire me when it comes to my ankle. It's the same attitude that my mother had, and now thanks to her I have as well. So my ankle may be a minor setback. But that is all it is. MINOR. I am alive and well, so what stopping me from having a good time? Well shit, I can't think of a thing.

Something missing....

So...life has been good lately, all things considering that is. I am in sunny and beautiful Flagstaff with wonderful people. Yet.....something is missing. I just can't quite place it. It could be my ankle, Pat left, or anything. I am restless and have found myself quite bored lately. I am just not satisfied. It's not that I don't do anything....I suppose it could be that I can't expend my restlessness as I would normally. I find myself wanting a change, not necessarily anything drastic; but anything. A change scenery, hell a change in people. Maybe I need to start a new hobby, or even pick up an old one. I don't know and that's alright with me. But the unpredictable normal life I typically am used to is temporarily gone. It's always the same problem, same people, same place, same ho hum life. Which is fine BUT I want, need to go somewhere and get out, enjoy my summer like I should. SO I am going to. I just began planning a trip to San Diego over the Fourth and I think that will a good temporary change of place, people, and scenery. Right now I am just waiting for something to happen. Nothing exciting in life happens to those who wait, exciting things happen to people who make them happen. So I say fuck my ankle, get over Pat, and get on with my awesome life.

Le Sigh..

So I may be a little drunk/exhausted and when I get like this it is quite likely I will get emotional. I find my self more than ever in my life wanting someone to cuddle me, hold me, be there for me, because of my ankle. And of course I look first to my ex. Who I have recently realized I am still in love with and we broke up six months ago. And he's an asshole and selfish but he has a lot of great qualities as well and I just cannot seem to get over him. I know a lot of it has to with him being my first well everything. First boyfriend, love, I lost my virginity to him..so it is easy to see why I became so attached. Which is incredibly unlike me. It of course does not help that we have had sex multiple times when drunk since. I don't expect us to get back together but when together for that stolen moment it is exactly what I wanted and I like to think for him to. But that could very well be nothing more than wishful thinking. Right now I wish he could comfort me but I can't expect that. After all he broke up with me for a reason. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed him. Because I DON'T and that's not me. I really need to move on, let myself like someone new. Sure I have kissed a lot of guys and have had a lot of potentials but why am I holding on so tightly onto something that is nothing more than mere memory. I don't need a guy in my life but it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with when I am upset about my ankle or can't myself any food. Le sigh, am I one hopeless girl or what? I'll figure it out, I always do.

Waiting for the storm to pass

A few weeks ago my world was hit by a hurricane and I was crushed. Well my ankle was anyways. It was completely shattered to put it mildly. Which is fine but kinda sucks balls. That was three weeks ago. I was at the climbing gym and fell bouldering, missed the pad, and that was that. Bye bye ankle. I heard a snap and crack, glanced down noticed my ankle was dislocated. I was by myself so I had an employee drive to the hospital which was just down the road. I was fine all the way until the hospital which is when I began to feel the pain. Before I am certain my body went into shock. Thank goodness. Anyways the doctors and nurses swarmed me and began moving my foot which is when I of course began screaming. Ex-rays were taken; bad news given; surgery; blah, blah, the usual. Well I woke up the next morning shocked to find a large metal thing sticking out of my leg. The metal thing is called an external fixater. I may have looked like a bad ass too bad I did not feel like one. I shattered my tibia, fiblia, and my ankle was in twenty pieces. AWESOME....not. So for the next two weeks I miserably hobbled around until my next surgery, when the external fix. was finally taken out and replaced with an internal fix. and bone grafts. So as you can tell life has been better. But despite everything that has happened I feel like I am doing quite well. I try to keep my spirits up and have my ups and downs. And sometimes I get angry at myself because I feel like I shouldn't be upset. After all I lost my mom a few years ago. Alas, I am still allowed to be upset. I am a active, careful, energetic individual and now I am cannot put weight on my left foot for three months and will have months of p.t. until I get my strength. Sometimes I am so confident and other times I get real down. I wish I would just be able to go outside and enjoy the weather if nothing else. Unfortunately, I am stuck inside. Soon I will be more mobile but soon seems like forever. At least I wonderful friends and family. Too bad I am sooooooooo independent. I guess I have a lot of things to work on this summer AND I will. Everything is gonna be alright. I just need to keep smiling and do things that keep me entertained. It's going to be rough and tough but if anyone can get through the rough and the tough that anyone is ME! Yah. So that was a lot of colliding thoughts. I am sure more will come soon.

I am HUMAN TOO!

This week has been one of those off weeks. You know a week when everything seems to go completely wrong. I woke up Sunday morning with the flu which has put me out of commission for most of the week. Alas, it had to be the week when I had a test and two presentations due on Monday and Tuesday. I have been sick, out of it, and without for three days. And the other night I realized that I am a perpetual optimist and always find the good in things, even when I am sick. I decided that it is okay to experience different emotions besides happiness. So I became upset and angry that I have been sick, stressed, and admitted I am having a bad week. I am alright with that and work towards expressing those emotions when I have them again. Because I am a human and I do in fact feel sad, lonely, angry, confused, and stressed at times. What is even better is that I have every right to. Just as anyone else. So with this realization I am feeling quite positive about life in general. I love just growing more as person every day. And beginning to express all the emotions I feel will help me grow even more.