Smile are all that is left..

What can I do right now? I suppose I have the option to do whatever I please. I really don't have to do anything. Except smile. Because that is all that there is left to do. Smile. Smile. Smile. Grinning from ear to ear. I am smiling.

I can be your friend...

To a certain someone:

I am not even sure why I am writing this. I think it is because I am much better at conveying my emotions and thoughts through writing rather than I am verbalizing them. So here it goes, do not fear this isn't a hate letter or an a feeble attempt to win you back. It's true during the few months we dated I fell for you and definitely did not anticipate it or necessarily even want it. But it happened and I knew from the get go that my feelings were much stronger for you then yours were for me. After all you just got out of a two year relationship and I hadn't been in a relationship in a over a year. Then you came along and I got brave and went for it. Not something I do often mind you. And I am not writing this to win you back, that just seems like a waste of time and energy. I just want you to know that I loved every minute we have spent together as friends, and every minute we spent as more. And I look forward to sharing more moments together as friends. I will cherish your friendship, and even though at times I may have the urge to grab your hand or give you a kiss, I wont. I'll just give you a hug instead and be your friend instead. (Please give me hugs at least, weak pats on the back or side hugs don't cut it) I just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and that any girl that catches you and keeps you is one lucky gal. So good luck to you Tyler and thanks for everything.

Always,

Megan

25 things..

1. Anxiety will not take a hold on my life any longer. I simply wont let it. Rather I am going to blow the fire out with a overwhelming sense of ferociousness.

2. The colors and smell of autumn never fail to put a smile on my face and tenderness in my heart.

3. Rosi Fry is and always will be my heterosexual life partner. And that's a fact.

4. Sometimes I be incredibly confident while other times I feel like the most insecure and insignificant person in the world.

5. I am figuring it all out right now. I am learning how to take control once more of my life and I am learning how to love with every thing I have.

6. When I get upset sometimes the only I wanna do is lie on the floor, lights out, eyes closed, and music carrying away my worries.

7. I am completely afraid of 'happiness' and feel as though when ever I do attain some level of happiness, the universe turns its back on me. I know this isn't true, and I am working on being okay with being happy.

8. Apparently I am not actually allergic to bees, I just have a bee phobia that inherently induces severe panic attacks. awesome.

9. I have learned all I need to know about how to live my life, from how my mother lived hers.

10. I love my bicycle and honestly need to ride him more often. Dirty.

11. I am dirty hot mess of a girl sometimes, but it shows I human and that's beautiful.

12. I have recently discovered a passion for writing. I absolutely love it. I may not be very eloquent or creative but I see writing as a perfect emotional outlet for me. Somewhere where I can organize all my thoughts and relieve them as well.

13. I am itching to travel again, it's been too long. But first I need to be good with me before I can do pursue anything drastic. When the time is right, I will adventure once or maybe even twice more.

14. My liquified ankle was the best learning and growing experience I had yet.

15. Taos New Mexico is the only place I'll ever call home.

16. I find beauty in the simplest forms. For example, the other I was opening for work at the State Park. It was a quiet brisk morning and to the east the earth was just awakening from the sun shining down upon it, while to the west the land was resisting the temptation of the sun for just a moment longer before greeting the day. It was refreshing to know I too like the earth wake up with the sun but still enjoy the calm rest of the night.

17. Doors are opening all around me and the universe is currently working in my favor *knock on wood* I am going to carefully and intentionally enter each one of these doors.

18. I work with a woman in her late 60s named Linda and I want to be like her one day. She is one of the most lively and inspiring people I know.

19. I am obsessed with a 175 gram plastic disc.

20. Sometimes I have the intense urge to smoke marijuana.

21. I am seriously considering buying a banjo and learning how to play. Afterall, I played the violin for ten years, and am in love with bluegrass.

22. Sometimes I still think I will end entertaining people for a living, a childhood dream of mine.

23. I value my sleep just about more than anything.

24. Each person in my life I try to learn from. I figure they are all they for a reason, because of a quality I admire in them. If I possessed all the wonderful qualities my friends and family have I would be the best person in the world.

25. I can communicate with birds. Silly, I know this is what you are thinking. But it's true I can return their calls with my impressive bird whistling talents. You can call me the bird whistler.

learning...everyday

I am learning a lot about myself. Everyday I think you can learn about you and strive for improvement. Right now I am currently dating a boy whom I am falling for. And I am learning that when I am in a relationship I tend to be a lot more insecure with myself. Always worrying about nonsense . For example, he is in school and really busy so we don't hang out as much as I would like. But even though he tells me, texts me, calls, when he doesnt see me go into freak out mode instantly. All of sudden these ridiculous thoughts swarm my mind a like an attack of killer bees. (Okay may more like a swarm of bumble bees fighting over pollen). Anyways, my mind is jumping from one irrational thought to another. "Is he going to break up with me?" "Does he like me still?" "Do I like him more than he likes me?" "Maybe I am not mature enough for a relationship." Etc..etc.... You get the idea. Well when it comes down to it I bring myself back to reality and logic, and realize he does still like me. And even if he didn't? The world isn't going to end. Not even close. I find myself becoming to dependent on someone else. I am letting my emotion rule me. Not logic. This could be the result of infatuation or the beginnings of a new love. Irregardless, I am not always secure with myself in a relationship. But I realize that and am working on it. My goal is to be as confident in a relationship as I am with myself any other time. He like's me for after all, and if hee don't, he aint worth the trouble.

these times...they are a changin'

It is happening again. Life. Dang it it always sneak up on me. I recently moved to Ft. Collins, CO and thus far I am enjoying it. I will be going on week 3. And FoCo is beginning to grow on me. The foothills of Lory State Park, where I work is lovely. Too bad I am stuck in the visitor center all day. It's alright though, it is a good experience for me. Working with people and money. The life I was growing accustomed to is fading away. No more week day drinking, no more days of unproductivity, no more Jines, no more Flag, no more 'best friend' roommates. Instead, I work 8 to 5 Wednesday through Sunday, live with strangers, have a new boyfriend, and have to make new friends. It's hard at times because I only have 4 people to hang out with. But I am going to make an effort and join the community and hopefully meet people that way. It' always strange moving somewhere new but change, can change you for the better if you are willing to let it. So I am going to this in stride and continue growing as an human the best I can. And to a special boy out there. I am falling for you.

Falling fast..

Here I find myself falling. Falling hard and fast. My heart is beating uncontrollably and I have an almost sinister grin across my face. It's been along time since I have felt this way and I am in a sweat. A frantic sweat somewhere between love and confusion and I have the urge to stop my feelings completely. Unfortunately, I do not know how to stop this. I am thrilled and terrified all at once. The thought of you drives me crazy and your arms wrapped around me keeps me safe. I cannot escape you. You are in my thoughts, my dreams, and my life. Instead of running away I am going to hold you close until I cannot hold you any longer. And hopefully I get to hold you for a very long time. Every time you smile I melt. Your boy like charm is the most endearing and sweetest thing I have ever seen. You're actually nice and treat me like a lady. I am going to stop while I am a head in this blog and let this beautiful things unfold on its own. The way it is meant to. I am going to let myself fall and see where I end up. Arms open and a leap of joy.

Lovin it...

Summer is more than a month in and it's flying by. I am currently working at Camp Jackson in the hills of Southern Colorado. I have a smile that cannot be wiped off my face. I think it might be glued on. However, that is what frightens me. This overwhelming feeling of glee and giddiness I feel. Things are going well in most all respects of life. I am working at a place I love in the mountains with great friends and even a potential love interest. I am allowing myself to feel vulnerable again and be giddy even. It terrifies and completely excites me all at once. The other evening when were sitting across from each other at the campfire I kept catching your gaze, catch a quick grin, and quickly avert my eyes. Inside I was tingling with glee. The night we walked with our hands linked and laughing as children and sloppy awkward kisses on the grass, sigh. When we kiss and you break in to a smile I cannot help but laugh myself. I don't know when I smiled this much last. And this freaks me out to be honest, in my mind I am not supposed to happy for longer than a few months. I know this is illogical and untrue but for the past few years whenever I feel happy something unthinkable happens. My mom, Austin, my ankle. That is part of the reason I don't allow myself to fall for someone or count on exciting things. But this time I am going to be brave and give it my all. Because what else can I lose? From experience I know nothing can get me down. Sure I fall but I certainly always get up. There is a great wide world and I am going to experience all it has to offer me. Hazaah!