sigh..of relief

Here I sit. Happy to be. That is all, to simply be. Here. Now. It's great, I've never really been able to just enjoy the moment like I have been the past week. I will admit I have my moments of crazy per usual. But mostly I just enjoyed being. Being completely in the present. And the funny thing is, when I am completely immersed in the moment I have no reason but to smile. I have a wonderful family, wonderful loving friends, and a boyfriend who makes me smile everyday. I like to find ways to infiltrate my mind and thoughts which prevent myself from feeling happy. I am really good at that, in fact. I am going to continue to do my best to be and see what happens. Each and every day I am going to make a point of bringing all my thoughts and actions back to the moment. Everything I do I want to do with my complete focus. I don't think one can be completely focused if their thoughts are consumed with something else. I have never, for as long as I can remember been able to do so. I let my mind become polluted with irrational and illogical thoughts which I cannot escape. I become trapped within my own mind. And for the first time, I can honestly saying I am finally breaking free. It's just a matter of practice. But I am getting better each day, and each I am living more.

Beauty from within..

I just watched Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent singing and by the end I was overcome with emotion and in tears. All from watching a poor quality you tube video. Susan Boyle is a middle age woman, who looks nothing more than a mere plain Jane. A little overweight, squinty eyes, bushy eye brows, ragged clothes. More often than not the culture we live in, gives us the idea that if you are successful or talented you are also aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Everyone on that show immediately judged her. People will automatically judge you based solely on your appearance. How does appearance in any way, shape, or form define our intelligence or talent we possess. It doesn't and Susan Boyle broke the stereotype. Once she opened her mouth a flawless and incredibly astounding voice came out. And everyone's jaws dropped to the floor, and what she looked like didn't matter in the slightest. It just goes to show that what lies within us, are the true spirit of who we are. In a perfect world, no one would be judge based upon appearance but rather their appearance would be based upon what's inside. A human spirit rather than human materialism. This can happen with anyone, even someone beautiful. Someone beautiful may be judged out to be stupid or dumb. A tall black person, is automatically athletic.

There are stereotypes for every single person. If you're human, you a fall into some stereotype. You are judged. I try my darndest not to judge. However, to be completely honest, I am guilty as much as the next person. The next time I am sitting next to a stranger, whether I am on a plane, bus, or anywhere else. I am going to talk to them and maybe found out something surprising about them, rather then immediately judging. This will be a challenging task, I am sure, but I hope to see past whats on the outside and discover a little of the inside. People are surprising. We just have to let them be.

strangely familiar...

I have been here before. The savory taste of your lips, that smell, those arms wrapped tightly around me. Those pale blue eyes uncovering my soul. And most of all that million dollar smile that never fails to swoon me. It cannot be, or can it? Do we find ourselves relighting this burnt out flame? Will this flame burner hotter than before or die quicker? I can only hope it burns fiercely hot, a fire that cannot be stopped. Yet, as I feel quite excited, I find myself reluctant to be vulnerable once again. After all, you broke my heart and I have been determined to move on. But now you claim you want me again. Do you deserve me, is the question I ask. I do believe I owe it to myself to try again. For what we shared was special, and I have always trusted you. So should I trust you again? Give you another shot? Well, since we began hanging out again I have a grin that I simply cannot wipe from my face and my cheeks hurt. I want you again more than before, yet all at once I am terrified. Please, don't hurt me again, and hopefully I won't hurt you.

learning to be lonely...

I am lonely. I have never felt like this before. This emptiness inside me that craves human contact. Heck, some good conversation would suit me just as well. It's not that I don't have any friends here, I do. I cannot pinpoint the core of this loneliness I feel. I suppose it has to do with a combination of things. I am an intern and alone most days. And most nights I am also alone. There are some nights when I have people to hang out with and things to do but the other nights.... Those empty lonely dark starless nights, those are the nights that get to me. I come home from a day of being alone to an empty house usually. No one to talk to, or to greet me. I had a boyfriend for a while and the loneliness hid well between the sheets. But we are no longer together and haven't been for a while now. Now the loneliness is vivid and real. Ankle shatteringly real. It hurts and I cry often. I do not want to. Cry. That is. Connections have always come easily to me. But not this time. It's an experience I am growing from. I am spending a lot of time with my thoughts and myself. And I am okay with that. I do things I like to do still, just on my own. I am putting myself out there and meeting people. It just takes time to build relationships. And I am not about to run away. No, I am not that much of a coward. My time will come, and it will come soon I can feel it. And the dark starless skies will suddenly light with brilliant spectacular light.

Smile are all that is left..

What can I do right now? I suppose I have the option to do whatever I please. I really don't have to do anything. Except smile. Because that is all that there is left to do. Smile. Smile. Smile. Grinning from ear to ear. I am smiling.

I can be your friend...

To a certain someone:

I am not even sure why I am writing this. I think it is because I am much better at conveying my emotions and thoughts through writing rather than I am verbalizing them. So here it goes, do not fear this isn't a hate letter or an a feeble attempt to win you back. It's true during the few months we dated I fell for you and definitely did not anticipate it or necessarily even want it. But it happened and I knew from the get go that my feelings were much stronger for you then yours were for me. After all you just got out of a two year relationship and I hadn't been in a relationship in a over a year. Then you came along and I got brave and went for it. Not something I do often mind you. And I am not writing this to win you back, that just seems like a waste of time and energy. I just want you to know that I loved every minute we have spent together as friends, and every minute we spent as more. And I look forward to sharing more moments together as friends. I will cherish your friendship, and even though at times I may have the urge to grab your hand or give you a kiss, I wont. I'll just give you a hug instead and be your friend instead. (Please give me hugs at least, weak pats on the back or side hugs don't cut it) I just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and that any girl that catches you and keeps you is one lucky gal. So good luck to you Tyler and thanks for everything.

Always,

Megan

25 things..

1. Anxiety will not take a hold on my life any longer. I simply wont let it. Rather I am going to blow the fire out with a overwhelming sense of ferociousness.

2. The colors and smell of autumn never fail to put a smile on my face and tenderness in my heart.

3. Rosi Fry is and always will be my heterosexual life partner. And that's a fact.

4. Sometimes I be incredibly confident while other times I feel like the most insecure and insignificant person in the world.

5. I am figuring it all out right now. I am learning how to take control once more of my life and I am learning how to love with every thing I have.

6. When I get upset sometimes the only I wanna do is lie on the floor, lights out, eyes closed, and music carrying away my worries.

7. I am completely afraid of 'happiness' and feel as though when ever I do attain some level of happiness, the universe turns its back on me. I know this isn't true, and I am working on being okay with being happy.

8. Apparently I am not actually allergic to bees, I just have a bee phobia that inherently induces severe panic attacks. awesome.

9. I have learned all I need to know about how to live my life, from how my mother lived hers.

10. I love my bicycle and honestly need to ride him more often. Dirty.

11. I am dirty hot mess of a girl sometimes, but it shows I human and that's beautiful.

12. I have recently discovered a passion for writing. I absolutely love it. I may not be very eloquent or creative but I see writing as a perfect emotional outlet for me. Somewhere where I can organize all my thoughts and relieve them as well.

13. I am itching to travel again, it's been too long. But first I need to be good with me before I can do pursue anything drastic. When the time is right, I will adventure once or maybe even twice more.

14. My liquified ankle was the best learning and growing experience I had yet.

15. Taos New Mexico is the only place I'll ever call home.

16. I find beauty in the simplest forms. For example, the other I was opening for work at the State Park. It was a quiet brisk morning and to the east the earth was just awakening from the sun shining down upon it, while to the west the land was resisting the temptation of the sun for just a moment longer before greeting the day. It was refreshing to know I too like the earth wake up with the sun but still enjoy the calm rest of the night.

17. Doors are opening all around me and the universe is currently working in my favor *knock on wood* I am going to carefully and intentionally enter each one of these doors.

18. I work with a woman in her late 60s named Linda and I want to be like her one day. She is one of the most lively and inspiring people I know.

19. I am obsessed with a 175 gram plastic disc.

20. Sometimes I have the intense urge to smoke marijuana.

21. I am seriously considering buying a banjo and learning how to play. Afterall, I played the violin for ten years, and am in love with bluegrass.

22. Sometimes I still think I will end entertaining people for a living, a childhood dream of mine.

23. I value my sleep just about more than anything.

24. Each person in my life I try to learn from. I figure they are all they for a reason, because of a quality I admire in them. If I possessed all the wonderful qualities my friends and family have I would be the best person in the world.

25. I can communicate with birds. Silly, I know this is what you are thinking. But it's true I can return their calls with my impressive bird whistling talents. You can call me the bird whistler.

learning...everyday

I am learning a lot about myself. Everyday I think you can learn about you and strive for improvement. Right now I am currently dating a boy whom I am falling for. And I am learning that when I am in a relationship I tend to be a lot more insecure with myself. Always worrying about nonsense . For example, he is in school and really busy so we don't hang out as much as I would like. But even though he tells me, texts me, calls, when he doesnt see me go into freak out mode instantly. All of sudden these ridiculous thoughts swarm my mind a like an attack of killer bees. (Okay may more like a swarm of bumble bees fighting over pollen). Anyways, my mind is jumping from one irrational thought to another. "Is he going to break up with me?" "Does he like me still?" "Do I like him more than he likes me?" "Maybe I am not mature enough for a relationship." Etc..etc.... You get the idea. Well when it comes down to it I bring myself back to reality and logic, and realize he does still like me. And even if he didn't? The world isn't going to end. Not even close. I find myself becoming to dependent on someone else. I am letting my emotion rule me. Not logic. This could be the result of infatuation or the beginnings of a new love. Irregardless, I am not always secure with myself in a relationship. But I realize that and am working on it. My goal is to be as confident in a relationship as I am with myself any other time. He like's me for after all, and if hee don't, he aint worth the trouble.

these times...they are a changin'

It is happening again. Life. Dang it it always sneak up on me. I recently moved to Ft. Collins, CO and thus far I am enjoying it. I will be going on week 3. And FoCo is beginning to grow on me. The foothills of Lory State Park, where I work is lovely. Too bad I am stuck in the visitor center all day. It's alright though, it is a good experience for me. Working with people and money. The life I was growing accustomed to is fading away. No more week day drinking, no more days of unproductivity, no more Jines, no more Flag, no more 'best friend' roommates. Instead, I work 8 to 5 Wednesday through Sunday, live with strangers, have a new boyfriend, and have to make new friends. It's hard at times because I only have 4 people to hang out with. But I am going to make an effort and join the community and hopefully meet people that way. It' always strange moving somewhere new but change, can change you for the better if you are willing to let it. So I am going to this in stride and continue growing as an human the best I can. And to a special boy out there. I am falling for you.

Falling fast..

Here I find myself falling. Falling hard and fast. My heart is beating uncontrollably and I have an almost sinister grin across my face. It's been along time since I have felt this way and I am in a sweat. A frantic sweat somewhere between love and confusion and I have the urge to stop my feelings completely. Unfortunately, I do not know how to stop this. I am thrilled and terrified all at once. The thought of you drives me crazy and your arms wrapped around me keeps me safe. I cannot escape you. You are in my thoughts, my dreams, and my life. Instead of running away I am going to hold you close until I cannot hold you any longer. And hopefully I get to hold you for a very long time. Every time you smile I melt. Your boy like charm is the most endearing and sweetest thing I have ever seen. You're actually nice and treat me like a lady. I am going to stop while I am a head in this blog and let this beautiful things unfold on its own. The way it is meant to. I am going to let myself fall and see where I end up. Arms open and a leap of joy.

Lovin it...

Summer is more than a month in and it's flying by. I am currently working at Camp Jackson in the hills of Southern Colorado. I have a smile that cannot be wiped off my face. I think it might be glued on. However, that is what frightens me. This overwhelming feeling of glee and giddiness I feel. Things are going well in most all respects of life. I am working at a place I love in the mountains with great friends and even a potential love interest. I am allowing myself to feel vulnerable again and be giddy even. It terrifies and completely excites me all at once. The other evening when were sitting across from each other at the campfire I kept catching your gaze, catch a quick grin, and quickly avert my eyes. Inside I was tingling with glee. The night we walked with our hands linked and laughing as children and sloppy awkward kisses on the grass, sigh. When we kiss and you break in to a smile I cannot help but laugh myself. I don't know when I smiled this much last. And this freaks me out to be honest, in my mind I am not supposed to happy for longer than a few months. I know this is illogical and untrue but for the past few years whenever I feel happy something unthinkable happens. My mom, Austin, my ankle. That is part of the reason I don't allow myself to fall for someone or count on exciting things. But this time I am going to be brave and give it my all. Because what else can I lose? From experience I know nothing can get me down. Sure I fall but I certainly always get up. There is a great wide world and I am going to experience all it has to offer me. Hazaah!

Flagstaff...fare thee well

Four years have come to pass. And sooner than I would like I willing be leaving the place in which I have grown to love immensely, Flagstaff. It seems almost like yesterday I was an eager, naive, and awkward 18 year old ready to take on the world of college. From the moment I arrived this place just felt right. The perfect fit. The memories and friends I will be holding on to are more than I could have ever imagined. It is here that I have grown into the confident and life embracing woman I am now. I do not know what my life would be like had I not gone to school here but I do know it would have been a hell of a lot lamer. Today is the 23rd of April and I leave on 14th of May. Less then a month left of this life changing place. Although, it saddens my greatly that I will be bidding this glorious place farewell I know that I can thrive anywhere I go. Flagstaff will be forever a reminder of just how wonderful life can be. So when times get rough I'll just think of a memory I had in Flagstaff and know I can have that again. It is all about the attitude you have going to into it. Instead, of wallowing in my sorrows of leaving Flagstaff. I will thank Flagstaff. Thank you for showing me how to live more fully.

waiting..waiting..waiting...

I have been feeling anxious lately. So, what's new? Nothing. I know. Yet, there is something stirring inside of me. Yet, I cannot place what exactly it is that is stirring. Perhaps, it could be because I am leaving Flagstaff in one month and after that, a new strangely familiar world will unfold. I have the summer planned. I am working at camp until August and then to Ecuador for a month. When I come back I have to begin an internship, somewhere, somehow. But I don't know where yet. But I know it's going to be somewhere new, somewhere I don't know anyone. Making friends in college is easy but what about when I am alone in a new place. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and stay in Flagstaff. However, that's the easy way. I am not even going to apply for an internship here. I know if I do, I will stay in Flagstaff and find myself stuck in the mud unable to move about freely and explore the world around me. So instead of sinking further into the mud, I am going to wriggle my legs free now. Even as frightening as it may seem, I know it will be the best option. One can only grow and learn from change.

the importance of hope..

Hope. Hope is defined as "a belief in the positive outcome related to the events and circumstances in one's life." Hope has helped me more than anything else in my life. Without hope, I would be lost. Call me an eternal optimist. When my mom was ill I had hope until the end of time. I had to hope that she would fight the cancer and beat it. I remember one conversation I had with my aunt when my mom was in the hospital. We were in the waiting room, my aunt catches my gaze, and says "Megan, I don't think there is much hope left. I think we have to be realistic and realize that she is probably going to die." Taken aback and offended by the comment I replied, " How, can you say that? If we don't have hope, what else do we have? Nothing. I have to believe things will be okay, otherwise I won't be able to handle this. I have to believe for my mom's sake." And I went home that night feeling alone in the world yet empowered with hope for the better.

Now, of course I could have given up hope , but that would have been giving up on my mom. I could not possibly bear that. It's when people give up on hope that they give up period. If my mom and I didn't believe, things may have been worse. I don't know how but I know they could have been. And even when my mom was diagnosed as terminal I had hope that she would die peacefully and that when she did die I would be okay. She did die peacefully and I took her death in stride. I held onto the hope that life would go on and I would be okay, happy even without her. And because of that I am happy. Happy without her.

Now I face that infinite hope again. I shattered my ankle nine months ago and I still limp. But I have to believe that I will run and function normally again. If I don't believe that and give up, how will I ever improve? That's exactly it, I won't.

So I am going to keep on hoping for a better today, and a better tomorrow. Never settle, always strive for improvement and hope for the best.

Random Thoughts......

Want a piece of my mind? Well, I'll give ya piece. Tasty too, I promise. So as of recently my ankle has been getting the best of me. It has been 8 + months and I just want to be able to do what I used to be able to to do: run, hike, ski, climb, heck walk without a limp. The worst though is the pain. If I go and be active, afterward the pain sometimes becomes unbearable. It is just so freaking frustrating. Ya know I try to stay positive and I think for the most part I do a pretty darn good job. So, it's okay to let myself feel upset every once in a while. It's natural and healthy. I am just going to keep doing what I do best and keep working hard to recover. I know I can do I just have to believe and push through the fear and the pain. It will get better. It has too.

Another thing on my mind is Ultimate. I have been part of the NAU women's ultimate team since I began college and this past fall I became a captain. I have invested so much time and commitment to the team and I don't even play. I know I have full capability of being a leader but sometimes I just don't see the benefit in helping others play when I haven't particpated in 8 months. Sometimes I feel my time would be better spend elsewhere. Today, Emily my roommate and fellow captain said I should speak up more in practice. And I should. I need to change something. Hidden deep within me there is an enthusiatic leader but I have seem to buried it somewhere. I have to dig to find it. I know I can be a benefit to this team and myself if I just muster up the courage to actually do it. I need to stop dwelling in my sorrows, suck it up, and lead like I know how.