Reflections.......

So the year 2008 is coming to close. Another chapter is finished and new unpredictable exciting new chapter is about to begin. 2009. 2008 was a year for spiritual growth and to learn from experience. A lot of things happened. It was a year of breaks. My heart broke as well as my ankle (which shattered). Looking back, heart break seemed like nothing compared to my ankle. My heart healed quickly and without any physical pain. Unlike my ankle which still (8 months later) still hurts and will not heal fully for a year. I think it is a good thing though I am more dependent on myself then another person. Heart break illustrates my dependency on someone else for happiness.
However, my ankle as a normal working body part enables me to be fully independent. When I was first injured for about a month or two I was not able to take care of myself. I had to be dependent on other people. People to feed me, help me shower, wheel me, you name it, I needed help. It was hard to let them help me. Unfortunately, I had no choice. But I learned to let them and value my independence and working body parts even more. I also learned to be completely fully happy with myself for the first time. Here I was facing what some may view as a devastating injury but I tried to view it as an opportunity for growth. And grown I have. I believe and significantly. I have been more focused, more present, and have the ability to be happy even in a grim situation. To truly find the sliver lining.
Some memorable events of 2008:
January: Break up with Pat
March: Green Chili Fest (Leahy, aunt Diane), Spring Break at Joshua Tree National Park = incredible
April: Shattering of the ankle
July: Potlatch
August: Durango Hat
October: Tequila Sunrise, Hash Run
November: Birthday in California, T-day with Rosi and family

To conclude 2008 was a year with many falls and getting on my feet again but I have done it. I am certainly on my feet again and hope to stay that way. I will close this chapter of my life but will never forget it. Not for a second. So here's to 2008 for teaching how to live more fully. And here's to 2009 and may it bring new opportunities, a bit of luck, love, prosperity, growth, and continuous improvement in all areas of my life.

Cheers.

Let it shine out

I am feeling good today, no make that great. I am full of energy and feel warm inside. Why, do you ask? Well, I wish I could give you an exact answer. But I am afraid I cannot. I am home in Denver now and just am enjoying this time to myself and with my family. Both of which happen only a few times a year. Typically, I am surrounded by the constant chatter and chaos of others. Which I am stimulated by and thrive off. But every now and again I need solely Megan time. Time to relax, breath, think, and do what I want. Time for me made by me. Ya today I have a whole agenda of things to do around the town exploring. And in a few weeks my family is going to the mountain to go skiing and I cannot downhill ski with anyone because of my ankle. But I am not complaining, I am instead to try my luck at xc skiing and snow shoeing. I am excited for the challenge and the peace. I haven't really done anything outside since my injury (except for camping once). I'll tell ya I am getting cabin fever. I think this will be the prefect solution. Skiing by myself in the snowy white wilderness. I get the chills thinking about the peace it can bring. This is a rambling post I can see but so is my mind.
This is glorious. This positive energy boiling up within me cannot be held so tightly because it will burst. So I will let I will radiate this energy with others and hope they feel it as well. It's the least I can do!

A letter: to you

Dear love,

You're eyes are as vast and unknown as the ocean. As blue as the color of sky. You're one of my closest friends and I hold you close to my heart. Perhaps too close. I have loved you for sometime now. But I myself cannot bring myself to admit it, at least not aloud. You have a girl friend, we have a past, and we have an emotional bond that seems to last. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I just confessed. Confessed that I am in love. Completely, hopelessly in love with you. And yet it is the last thing I want to do. I know that your girlfriend recently cheated on you. I wish you would know this so you could end this terrible relationship your in. You don't need to be with me. I just want you to be with someone whose good for you and makes you genuinely happy. Now, of course I want that person to be me. But I know that is not quite how things work. So I don't know what and can't seem to find the right words to say. You know I love, I just don't think you know how much. Maybe one day I'll tell. Not today, not right now. But tomorrow will be here soon and who knows what it will hold. For now: I love you, I love you, I love you. At least on paper I do.

With all my heart,
Me*

Same old thing.....

I know from speaking to a professional that when one is unhappy or anxious as a 'protection method' they will revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I myself am a victim of this. These past 6 months have been really great. The first two months it had seemed that I found myself. Unfortunately, it did not last and here I am being pulled back to same 'problems' and same obsessing negative thought processes. They are a lot better then have been in the past but here they are prevalent once again. They are completely irrational and illogical. Yet it seems I cannot simply acknowledge a thought and move on.

I have the tendency to dwell, dwell, dwell. It seems I start digging, digging, digging this giant hole that one day I won't be able to crawl out of. I don't need to dig. Not on this land. It is perfectly good land that can be put to good use as it is. Less digging and more watering. If anything this land can just grow. The capacity for this land to grow is endless. My mind is endless. And if I allow myself to take in new experiences as they come in the moment and then move on my mind will thrive. It won't stop growing.

I can do this. I have done it before and was the happiest I have been in gee who knows? I am going to start doing things in the moment. Accomplishing things bit by bit, piece by piece, moment by moment.

Mustering up some courage...maybe?

Alright. So here's the deal. My name is Megan. And I am a cute fun girl with a lot more to offer than just that. But the only way I can get anyone else to see that is if I see it for myself, first. Tonight I ran into this attractive gentleman who I see often because we have mutual friends. I have always found him attractive yet have never been able to muster up the courage to even speak to him until this evening when I did only after being egged on by my friend. It is so ridiculous. I am almost twenty two and when I see someone attractive I act like a twelve year old girl. I suppose it is not a bad thing but how will anyone see what have I to offer if I always act like that? That's just it, they won't. I am ready for a change. Megan Kathleen Weber is a smart, cute, fun, lovable, caring, and amazing girl. And it is about time I share that.

Si se puedes!

Today, I witnessed history. Along with the rest of the country. No, make that the rest of the world. Today a black man was elected President of the United States: Barack Obama. An American hero, an icon for the times. It is time for a change and I think our country may have finally realize that. And the simple fact that a black man was elected is a good indicator that we are as nation ready to face the adversities challenging us right now and change for the better. The better of the American people and the better of the world. All over the world countries were watching with their teeth clenched hoping that Obama would be our next President of the United States. And he is. We did it. We recognized the need for change and did it.

The charismatic Barack Obama put it simply "This is your victory." This is yours, mines, his, and anyone else's. Barack Obama will change the course of our history and already is. So I congratulate the American people. This is our country and finally after a long eight hours in a downward spiral: America will make us proud. I can proudly say that I am from the United States.

stuck in panic

I don't know many things. But I do know some. This is what I know. My name is Megan. I am a beautiful, independent, spontaneous, fun, life, loving girl. I also know that I suffer from anxiety. And I have for the past two years. It began two years ago where I experienced an intense panic attack as the result of a pot brownie. Yeah you heard right a M-A-R-I-J-U-A-N-A brownie (needless to say I have not had one since). It's just funny that a pot brownie was the beginning of this snowballing anxiety I Have experienced since. It would have happened either way but I just have better story now. Two years when my anxiety was really severe I say a therapist who helped tremendously and I thought I was free of my anxious thoughts until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I had another panic attack and my anxiety has be incredibly prevalent ever since. I am just so darn frustrated. I have been doing so well and here we go again. The racing heart, the anxious thoughts, the shortness of breath, and the IBS. Man. Oh man. It's funny because I am the happiest I have been in YEARS. But it just goes to show that if problems are left ignored they don't simply just disappear forever. They tend to linger the longer you let them. And that's what is going now...I think. At least I recognize this and if I motivate myself enough I can get some professional help for long term not just a few weeks. That's what I need because as I am discovering I cannot do this alone. As my much my pride gets in the way I simply cannot let it any longer. I can beat this anxiety with help! It may take time but I am confident.

WOOT!

As good as it gets...

This is life as we know it. As good as it gets. Even at the worse times ,at that moment of tragedy that is good as it is going to be at that particular moment. And when things are great that is as good as at it gets as well. Life is what you make of it. IN reality nothing is picture perfect and anything can go wrong at any moment. I am speaking from experience. IN my young life of 21 years I would say I have experienced more pleasure as a result of more pain than most people my age have. Now of course I could be wrong.

When I entered my senior year of high school my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. And in my naivety, at the time I just assumed that “cancer” was not a big deal and that mom would get through it no prob. Unfortunately, I could have not been more wrong. After a few tests and surgeries it was clear that shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1460233456254595187urvival was not the only outcome. When I found this out I was well shocked. Shocked into the reality of life. And in this moment of realization and shock I came to know was real and was not. The emotions I was experiencing were real, my mom’s failing health was real, and this was the most reality I had ever known. This was as good as it was going to get and yet the worst. So in the last months of my mother's life I made sure our relationship was the best it had been yet. Every night before I went to bed I would go into my mom’s room and just talk with her about life, school, boys, you name it. She soon became the best friend I have ever had. And when she finally left the world I was at peace, at least with what our relationship had become. I was able to love my mother fully and make certain that our last few months together were as good as it gets.

And I have tried to carry on that attitude since my mom left. There is no denying that the loss has left entirely too large of a whole in my heart. But I have discovered that this hole can be filled. Filled with the love, the memory, and the life of Karen Ellen Wichelns. And because of this love, memory, and life I have been able to live my life to the fullest. At least I have tried to.

Since then I have completed 3 out of 4 years of college, studied in New Zealand, made poor decisions, made good decisions, and made the best friends I have ever had (besides her). I have made sure to experience all that I can; to grow, learn, and thrive as a human being. As Megan Kathleen Weber. And of course in these past three years I have had many ups and downs.

Most recently I have faced the challenge of living and coping with a shattered ankle for the past four months. And it has been difficult with two surgeries, relearning to walk and gaining my strength back. But again it has been another incredible experience to enhance myself. Again, this is as good as it gets at least right now. So I have made the best of it and instead of being a lazy, bummed out bum I have made sure to keep on keeping out despite the injury.

These experiences have brought me down to earth and humbled me. Life is a fragile, delicate, precious, and wondrous gift that many of us take for granted. I myself used to. And with these adversities the best thing I can do is help others. And I Will. I have experienced the great pleasure knowing the greatest of pains. And that is the pain of love. Love for my mother, love for myself, and love for this life.

I am the princess and this my castle...

It is July and summer is winding down. People are trickling back into Flag slowly but surely. I enjoy when people are around because I don't feel alone and don't have to think as much. I recently realized that is just it. I am terrified of my own thoughts. Since I have a lot of free time I become completely trapped within myself. When I am around people they keep me and my thoughts occupied.

When I sit and think I realize I have been really selfish lately. I may use my bum ankle as an excuse but in reality I have always been selfish. I want things to be easy and it is easier to only think of myself instead of others. I use myslef as an excuse to ignore what reality actually is. For example, I went home a few weeks ago anxious to see one of my best friends. I called her several times and she never responded. I'll admit I was upset, after all I don't more than twice a year. And I automatically assumed it was because of me. My thought was, "Oh what did I do this time? She is always overreacting." Of course that's incredibly selfish and ignorant of me.

So when I actually allow myself to delve into my thoughts I have realized this. People see me as a great friend and often times see a great person. But these people are under a false assumption. If I was a great friend I wouldn't ignore their problems. And if I was a great person I wouldn't have to worry about myself.

This a character flaw I recognize in myself that I am certainly not proud of. I would like to work on this and change for the better. Because the reason my friend didn't respond to me is because she has recently been in a deep depression and has shut her self from the world. And because I turned a blind eye I never even saw the warning signs. Instead I chose to ignore them and only focus on myself. How inconsiderate and ugly is that? I can be ugly and most people don't know this.

As a personal challenge and goal for myself I am going to let myself to be intune others. And to not turn the blind eye and only focus on ME. Yeah I have been through a lot but that is no excuse to be selfish and ignore that others experience a lot of pain as well. Even if it is different. And with by using my experiences to help others hopefully I will have the capacity to also help myself as well. Besides what is more rewarding the having a positive impact on someone else's life?
* A note to my friends and family whom I care so much about: I am done ignoring your problems and only focusing on my own, because what kind of friend am I? If I don't ever try to help a friend in need. I love you all. More than I love myself. And that's a fact.

Pizza & Coke

Pizza and Coke. It's a lifestyle. You come home from work after a long Friday afternoon and you order a pizza, coke, veg out on the couch, and turn on the tube. This is a lifestyle for many Americans and it shows. This why we have the problem of obesity in the United States. We order pizza, drink coke, and turn on tele because it is convenient. Everything we do is convenient. Why cook, when you can get take out or order in. Why do anything but watch the tube? Why recycle? That takes too much work. After all, it is so accessible and easy. So people fall in to these traps. These traps of inactivity and laziness.

I however am lucky enough to live in a health, fitness, and environmentally conscious town. I live in Flagstaff, Arizona a hip college town nestled beneath the San Fransisco Peaks of Northern Arizona. Most people here are rugged, laid back, and quirky. Before I moved here I did not know a town could be so conscious of health and fitness. Most people bike rather than drive. People would rather read a book than watch t.v. People would rather cook than go out.

I grew in Pueblo, Colorado and it is incredibly strange to visit there now. The general lifestyle of people there is lazy and stagnant. The city doesn't change and its holds traditions close. Many of my close friends from high school still live there and with their parents. On a typical day they will come home from school and plop on the couch and turn on the tube. Stereotypical modern America. And I used to know this lifestyle but now it completely baffles me. Why would one veg out on the couch when they could be outside enjoying the day? Why would one spend extra money on going out, when they could cook something healthier in the comfort of their homes? I ask myself these questions and do not really have to answer.

I could blame it on the media, movie stars, and could come up with up plenty of excuses. But in reality, Americans generally take all our freedom and opportunities for granted. After all, why work hard if there's an easier way out. If many Americans would just open their eyes and look around, they realize how much there is to see in this beautiful country. And maybe we would want to cherish it, get off our buts, go pick some fresh food, find a good book, and travel. Then maybe we would be less lazy, more active, proactive, and lead a healthy lifestyle. I don't know if I am right or wrong, but somewhere out there people agree.

Sleep...Who Needs It?

For the past few weeks I have had a difficult time falling asleep. I usually won't fall asleep until two or three in the morning. I am not a huge fan of this because I am girl who likes my sleep. So I write in hopes that I will sleep better and ease my mind a little. So here goes some of the babble that is my mind.
Today was a good day, better than most in fact. However, I am not entirely sure why. Nothing special happened; nothing really happened at all. I spent most of my day in the library doing homework and then class at 6. Following class I watched some night ultimate with some friends. I am just really content and satisfied for some reason. You know, I have a lot of days when I just feel restless, bored, and anxious. But not today, not at all. I want, I need more days like this. Although, I know they won't all be. It's refreshing to know some will.
Other random thoughts on my mind. It has almost been three years since my mother passed away. I can hardly believe it. Wow. Three years and look how far I've come. I like to imagine that she would be proud of me. Even though I have made my mistakes, I have never stopped living as a result of her passing. Mostly, because she specifically told me not to.

Here is a conversation from 3 years ago. I enter the hospital to visit my mom who was sick with cancer. It is a few days before my senior prom, but I have other things on my mind

My aunt Jan is in the room, "Hey Megs, your mom needs to chat with you in private," she calls .

Nervously I step in and reply, "Alright, hey mom." I go over to her and squeeze her hand. In her eyes, I can tell she is upset.

She gives me a smile and squeezes my hand in return, "Well Megs, I have good news and bad news." "Do you want to know both?"

Terrified to know but knowing I have to, I just respond, "Yes,I need to know, just tell me, no bull shit."

"Alright, well the good news is that there is a new chemo out that could save me..."
"And what's the bad, I need to know" I interrupt.

She hesitates and responds, "The bad news is, they've given me 3 to 6 months to live if the chemo fails."

I immediately began screaming and crying, "NO, NO, NO, NO......" She pulls me in close and tells me "Look at me Megan, it is not the end of the world. Look at me. I know this is going to be hard for you but you cannot let this slow you down. You have so much going for you in life. You will be upset but you can and will keep going on with your life. I always be there and you know that. I love you."

I am shaking with shock at this point and reply with, "I will. I will. I will."

And that conversation is why I live the way I do. It plays over and over again like a broken record in my mind. People used to wander I why I never took a break, or slowed down after she passed. I did it because I her told I would. And I am so glad I made the choice to live, instead of the choice not to, and sulk in my sorrows.

Now I use that as my life motto. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And I am tough, thanks to my mother. She was made of iron, when it comes to being tough.

The reason I just went on this random tangent is because people are always telling how they admire me when it comes to my ankle. It's the same attitude that my mother had, and now thanks to her I have as well. So my ankle may be a minor setback. But that is all it is. MINOR. I am alive and well, so what stopping me from having a good time? Well shit, I can't think of a thing.

Something missing....

So...life has been good lately, all things considering that is. I am in sunny and beautiful Flagstaff with wonderful people. Yet.....something is missing. I just can't quite place it. It could be my ankle, Pat left, or anything. I am restless and have found myself quite bored lately. I am just not satisfied. It's not that I don't do anything....I suppose it could be that I can't expend my restlessness as I would normally. I find myself wanting a change, not necessarily anything drastic; but anything. A change scenery, hell a change in people. Maybe I need to start a new hobby, or even pick up an old one. I don't know and that's alright with me. But the unpredictable normal life I typically am used to is temporarily gone. It's always the same problem, same people, same place, same ho hum life. Which is fine BUT I want, need to go somewhere and get out, enjoy my summer like I should. SO I am going to. I just began planning a trip to San Diego over the Fourth and I think that will a good temporary change of place, people, and scenery. Right now I am just waiting for something to happen. Nothing exciting in life happens to those who wait, exciting things happen to people who make them happen. So I say fuck my ankle, get over Pat, and get on with my awesome life.

Le Sigh..

So I may be a little drunk/exhausted and when I get like this it is quite likely I will get emotional. I find my self more than ever in my life wanting someone to cuddle me, hold me, be there for me, because of my ankle. And of course I look first to my ex. Who I have recently realized I am still in love with and we broke up six months ago. And he's an asshole and selfish but he has a lot of great qualities as well and I just cannot seem to get over him. I know a lot of it has to with him being my first well everything. First boyfriend, love, I lost my virginity to him..so it is easy to see why I became so attached. Which is incredibly unlike me. It of course does not help that we have had sex multiple times when drunk since. I don't expect us to get back together but when together for that stolen moment it is exactly what I wanted and I like to think for him to. But that could very well be nothing more than wishful thinking. Right now I wish he could comfort me but I can't expect that. After all he broke up with me for a reason. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed him. Because I DON'T and that's not me. I really need to move on, let myself like someone new. Sure I have kissed a lot of guys and have had a lot of potentials but why am I holding on so tightly onto something that is nothing more than mere memory. I don't need a guy in my life but it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with when I am upset about my ankle or can't myself any food. Le sigh, am I one hopeless girl or what? I'll figure it out, I always do.

Waiting for the storm to pass

A few weeks ago my world was hit by a hurricane and I was crushed. Well my ankle was anyways. It was completely shattered to put it mildly. Which is fine but kinda sucks balls. That was three weeks ago. I was at the climbing gym and fell bouldering, missed the pad, and that was that. Bye bye ankle. I heard a snap and crack, glanced down noticed my ankle was dislocated. I was by myself so I had an employee drive to the hospital which was just down the road. I was fine all the way until the hospital which is when I began to feel the pain. Before I am certain my body went into shock. Thank goodness. Anyways the doctors and nurses swarmed me and began moving my foot which is when I of course began screaming. Ex-rays were taken; bad news given; surgery; blah, blah, the usual. Well I woke up the next morning shocked to find a large metal thing sticking out of my leg. The metal thing is called an external fixater. I may have looked like a bad ass too bad I did not feel like one. I shattered my tibia, fiblia, and my ankle was in twenty pieces. AWESOME....not. So for the next two weeks I miserably hobbled around until my next surgery, when the external fix. was finally taken out and replaced with an internal fix. and bone grafts. So as you can tell life has been better. But despite everything that has happened I feel like I am doing quite well. I try to keep my spirits up and have my ups and downs. And sometimes I get angry at myself because I feel like I shouldn't be upset. After all I lost my mom a few years ago. Alas, I am still allowed to be upset. I am a active, careful, energetic individual and now I am cannot put weight on my left foot for three months and will have months of p.t. until I get my strength. Sometimes I am so confident and other times I get real down. I wish I would just be able to go outside and enjoy the weather if nothing else. Unfortunately, I am stuck inside. Soon I will be more mobile but soon seems like forever. At least I wonderful friends and family. Too bad I am sooooooooo independent. I guess I have a lot of things to work on this summer AND I will. Everything is gonna be alright. I just need to keep smiling and do things that keep me entertained. It's going to be rough and tough but if anyone can get through the rough and the tough that anyone is ME! Yah. So that was a lot of colliding thoughts. I am sure more will come soon.

I am HUMAN TOO!

This week has been one of those off weeks. You know a week when everything seems to go completely wrong. I woke up Sunday morning with the flu which has put me out of commission for most of the week. Alas, it had to be the week when I had a test and two presentations due on Monday and Tuesday. I have been sick, out of it, and without for three days. And the other night I realized that I am a perpetual optimist and always find the good in things, even when I am sick. I decided that it is okay to experience different emotions besides happiness. So I became upset and angry that I have been sick, stressed, and admitted I am having a bad week. I am alright with that and work towards expressing those emotions when I have them again. Because I am a human and I do in fact feel sad, lonely, angry, confused, and stressed at times. What is even better is that I have every right to. Just as anyone else. So with this realization I am feeling quite positive about life in general. I love just growing more as person every day. And beginning to express all the emotions I feel will help me grow even more.

Flag time, Party time

Last night I went to the bars with my roommates and some other friends. It as usual was quite fun and entertaining. We went to Flag Brew, ordered a pitcher and went out outside, as soon as we got outside my friend just drops the glass. We were all just having a good time, laughing, and being ridiculous. As we do best. After Flag Brew, we were all pretty good and drunk so we headed off to Mia's. There was a live band there and I was having a blast dancing in the crowd. But before I knew I looked around and noticed that everyone I had come with had left me. Apparently, I was drunk enough that it did not really matter anyways. I just made new friends. I went around and chatted with various people and still had a grand time. Today my roommates and I went to the creek and had a glorious day in the sun. Needless to say right now I am completely exhausted. Tonight I chilled out, met with my friend Amy for a while and am now doing this. Exciting, I know. All I know is that my friends are amazing and whatever we do we make it fun. We are just random, loud, sometimes out of control, but always fun and not afraid to let loose. And I am so grateful for them .

Here comes the sun

Summer time has almost begun. Only a few weeks left of school and then my summer will kick off with a bang. I will begin with a Wilderness First Responder course. This is a course in which I will receive safety, first aid, and how to handle extreme situations in a wilderness setting. I am looking forward to it. It may exhausting and strenuous but worth it. This course will definitely help with future jobs. As soon as that the W.O.F.R ends I will begin my job as a camp counselor at Camp Jackson. I absolutely LOVE this job. It is just glorious. Not only do I learn a lot about myself but I learn a lot about children and people in general. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to share my love for the outdoors with others. Especially, children. To see city kids embrace nature, get dirty, and love life is the most rewarding experience. That is why I am not concerned with the little pay I receive because the memories are unforgettable. Not to mention, so are the people. I am getting quite excited for this summer and know good times, crazy times, and stressful times will be had. So BRING IT ON!